Kapers
Norm Smith Medallist
- Sep 25, 2019
- 5,074
- 11,641
- AFL Club
- Sydney
How a Footy Club was Murdered
Part 1: The Victim
Sydney Swans are currently sitting 7-4 and have lost 3 of their last 5 games. They have been consistently inconsistent and are hellbent on throwing away games by only turning up after the second half. Against Richmond we decided that we didn't want to play the second quarter, but happily, they decided they didn't want to play the third quarter.
-The forward line is made of has-beens, underdone players, and seemingly any player that doesn't want to tackle.
-The midfield is made up of about 300 players, all softer than the last. Horse has started playing anyone in the midfield because, and I quote, "Players learning one position is stupid".
-The backline is made of two McCartins and a pack of whipping boys. If any player gets too much criticism (see Blakey, Florent, and Lloyd), they're moved to the back so that their mistakes only cause goals, which is fine.
The Swans currently have no good players, they're all overrated and should all be traded so we can bring in Dusty, who would be better by himself than 22 Swans.
Part 2: The Murderer
Melbourne are top of the table with 11-0 and have won 17 in a row. Honestly, at this point I've put my life saving on them winning the next 32 premierships in a row. They seem to toy with their victims only to destroy them in 10 minutes of trying.
-The forward line is made up of the most elite talent the world has ever seen. They've got unwavering hair, reborn stars, and North Melbourne's best player. The only fault in their forward line is that perhaps there's too much talent. Has anyone checked if a team scores 1,000 that it doesn't roll over? Should definitely worry about that if you're a dees fan.
-The midfield is everything the Swans midfield isn't, tough, consistent, hard to play against, aggressive, and most of all, stable. That's right, they have players that consistently learn one spot. Maybe there's something in that? Let's not forget they also have Harms, wow, easily their best midfielder.
-The DEEfence is proof that players are worth more than picks. May and Lever combined have cost the demons 3 first rounders, and they are worth every cent. Easily the best backline in the game, allowing no team to score ever (don't look that up). This is where the Swans can get a victory, 1 point and it's the highest score vs Melbourne in the history of the game.
Melbourne are the epitome of the team to beat, they have everything and lack nothing. Except Dusty. That must hurt.
Part 3: The Murder Weapon
Melbourne have Sydney covered in every stat, whether it is bars to go to, galleries to see, concerts to attend, or people to meet, Melbourne has it all. Of course we have to give Sydney credit for actually being attractive with natural scenery that Melbourne would di... Sorry? The teams? Oh right.
- Contested Possessions come first since they have been what the Swans have been working on all preseason, but have seemingly only gotten worse at. When Melbourne are up by 312 contested possessions by the end of the first quarter, the swans will then realise that game has started. From then on I expect that the Swans will only lose CP by around 153 for the rest of the game.
- Clearances will be interesting because although the Swans will win clearances, they will not score from them, and Melbourne will score from every one of their clearances. Further, they will intercept all Sydney clearances, which leads me to the next point...
- Turnovers, the Swans will be lucky to post this record-breaking stat, 2,213 turnovers. You read that right, 2,213. Now you might be thinking, we would need 2,213 disposals at least to get that many turnovers, well that's where Melbourne's gameplay will come into effect. They will win the ball, give it to us, we then proceed to move all our players forward, then they'll win the ball back and score effortlessly because all our players are in the forward line. Genius.
It will be a savage death at the hands of Melbourne, with not one thing going the Swan's way; it'll be the end, not only for the season, but the club as a whole.
Part 4: The Execution
Saturday the 4th of June 22. It's a crisp night and everyone is excited to see if the Swans will turn up full of hope and confidence.
Enters Melbourne. They'll see the Swans and laugh, form a huddle and sing a Taylor Swift song, hopefully, Love Story; I love that one.
The first quarter will start with a contested ball win by Harms, who then will pass it to Parker, who will then turn it over to Petracca, who'll kick a goal from 79m out (did I mention there was a crazy tornado at the top of the MCG that caused all of Melbourne's disposals to gain an extra 30m?). That is the beginning of the end. 115 goals will be scored by the end of the quarter. The Swans realise that they are in fact playing, and they hadn't won seats to watch Melbourne. It's too late though, the second quarter has Melbourne pile on 31 goals, the third 10 goals, but here's where the cracker comes, in the fourth the Swans get their first goal. Melbourne goes on to kick 11 more goals, and this is where the rollover problem comes in. If the score resets, the Demons will end up 2 points, to Sydney's 6, meaning a victory for the Swans!!!!!
Unfortunately, Harms will kick another goal after the siren.
Demons by 2 points
Part 4: Epilogue
After this loss, the entire team, coaching staff, and fan base will be sacked. The Swans will be shortly moved to the VFL where they will go on to hold the record for the most wooden spoons ever. Finally, Melbourne will only win 31 premierships in a row, meaning that my life savings will go down the drain. The 32 premiership has Bulldogs win with a free-kick count of 97 to 1. It was heartbreaking to watch live on what was supposed to be my retirement day, instead, I'll have to continue working until I die.
Any positive comments please go say them into a trash can where they belong, I have asked the mods to remove anything that might be considered happiness. They all agreed that any happiness is tantamount to treason.
I find life is better when I already know everything will end in failure.
Part 1: The Victim
Sydney Swans are currently sitting 7-4 and have lost 3 of their last 5 games. They have been consistently inconsistent and are hellbent on throwing away games by only turning up after the second half. Against Richmond we decided that we didn't want to play the second quarter, but happily, they decided they didn't want to play the third quarter.
-The forward line is made of has-beens, underdone players, and seemingly any player that doesn't want to tackle.
-The midfield is made up of about 300 players, all softer than the last. Horse has started playing anyone in the midfield because, and I quote, "Players learning one position is stupid".
-The backline is made of two McCartins and a pack of whipping boys. If any player gets too much criticism (see Blakey, Florent, and Lloyd), they're moved to the back so that their mistakes only cause goals, which is fine.
The Swans currently have no good players, they're all overrated and should all be traded so we can bring in Dusty, who would be better by himself than 22 Swans.
Part 2: The Murderer
Melbourne are top of the table with 11-0 and have won 17 in a row. Honestly, at this point I've put my life saving on them winning the next 32 premierships in a row. They seem to toy with their victims only to destroy them in 10 minutes of trying.
-The forward line is made up of the most elite talent the world has ever seen. They've got unwavering hair, reborn stars, and North Melbourne's best player. The only fault in their forward line is that perhaps there's too much talent. Has anyone checked if a team scores 1,000 that it doesn't roll over? Should definitely worry about that if you're a dees fan.
-The midfield is everything the Swans midfield isn't, tough, consistent, hard to play against, aggressive, and most of all, stable. That's right, they have players that consistently learn one spot. Maybe there's something in that? Let's not forget they also have Harms, wow, easily their best midfielder.
-The DEEfence is proof that players are worth more than picks. May and Lever combined have cost the demons 3 first rounders, and they are worth every cent. Easily the best backline in the game, allowing no team to score ever (don't look that up). This is where the Swans can get a victory, 1 point and it's the highest score vs Melbourne in the history of the game.
Melbourne are the epitome of the team to beat, they have everything and lack nothing. Except Dusty. That must hurt.
Part 3: The Murder Weapon
Melbourne have Sydney covered in every stat, whether it is bars to go to, galleries to see, concerts to attend, or people to meet, Melbourne has it all. Of course we have to give Sydney credit for actually being attractive with natural scenery that Melbourne would di... Sorry? The teams? Oh right.
- Contested Possessions come first since they have been what the Swans have been working on all preseason, but have seemingly only gotten worse at. When Melbourne are up by 312 contested possessions by the end of the first quarter, the swans will then realise that game has started. From then on I expect that the Swans will only lose CP by around 153 for the rest of the game.
- Clearances will be interesting because although the Swans will win clearances, they will not score from them, and Melbourne will score from every one of their clearances. Further, they will intercept all Sydney clearances, which leads me to the next point...
- Turnovers, the Swans will be lucky to post this record-breaking stat, 2,213 turnovers. You read that right, 2,213. Now you might be thinking, we would need 2,213 disposals at least to get that many turnovers, well that's where Melbourne's gameplay will come into effect. They will win the ball, give it to us, we then proceed to move all our players forward, then they'll win the ball back and score effortlessly because all our players are in the forward line. Genius.
It will be a savage death at the hands of Melbourne, with not one thing going the Swan's way; it'll be the end, not only for the season, but the club as a whole.
Part 4: The Execution
Saturday the 4th of June 22. It's a crisp night and everyone is excited to see if the Swans will turn up full of hope and confidence.
Enters Melbourne. They'll see the Swans and laugh, form a huddle and sing a Taylor Swift song, hopefully, Love Story; I love that one.
The first quarter will start with a contested ball win by Harms, who then will pass it to Parker, who will then turn it over to Petracca, who'll kick a goal from 79m out (did I mention there was a crazy tornado at the top of the MCG that caused all of Melbourne's disposals to gain an extra 30m?). That is the beginning of the end. 115 goals will be scored by the end of the quarter. The Swans realise that they are in fact playing, and they hadn't won seats to watch Melbourne. It's too late though, the second quarter has Melbourne pile on 31 goals, the third 10 goals, but here's where the cracker comes, in the fourth the Swans get their first goal. Melbourne goes on to kick 11 more goals, and this is where the rollover problem comes in. If the score resets, the Demons will end up 2 points, to Sydney's 6, meaning a victory for the Swans!!!!!
Unfortunately, Harms will kick another goal after the siren.
Demons by 2 points
Part 4: Epilogue
After this loss, the entire team, coaching staff, and fan base will be sacked. The Swans will be shortly moved to the VFL where they will go on to hold the record for the most wooden spoons ever. Finally, Melbourne will only win 31 premierships in a row, meaning that my life savings will go down the drain. The 32 premiership has Bulldogs win with a free-kick count of 97 to 1. It was heartbreaking to watch live on what was supposed to be my retirement day, instead, I'll have to continue working until I die.
Any positive comments please go say them into a trash can where they belong, I have asked the mods to remove anything that might be considered happiness. They all agreed that any happiness is tantamount to treason.
I find life is better when I already know everything will end in failure.
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