Lame jokes

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One I heard in primary school:

A mother and her son, Jimmy, were at church quietly listening to a sermon where Jimmy suddenly needs to go to the toilet.

"Mummy, I need to piss," he tells her quietly.

"Jimmy, that's rude, someone might've heard that," she replies in an embarassed tone, "when you need to go next time, say 'I need to whisper'".

The next week, Jimmy was at Church with his father when Jimmy says: "Daddy, I need to whisper".

The confused father replies: "OK".

"Where?" Jimmy asks.

"Ah, in my ear."
 

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A man goes to doctor and says:

'Doctor, I have a problem. When I drink tea, my eye aches and when I stop, it stops too. Can you help me?'

Doctor says:'Take the spoon out of the cup!'
 
A tourist sees a sign saying "Zoo", so he pays his money to the cashier and goes inside.

A short while later, he comes back out and says, "I want my money back!"

"Why's that?" asks the cashier.

"Don't play dumb with me, miss," said the tourist, "you've got a sign outside saying zoo, and you have only one animal - a small dog"

"Yeah," said the girl, "its a Shitzu."
 
emuboy said:
A tourist sees a sign saying "Zoo", so he pays his money to the cashier and goes inside.

A short while later, he comes back out and says, "I want my money back!"

"Why's that?" asks the cashier.

"Don't play dumb with me, miss," said the tourist, "you've got a sign outside saying zoo, and you have only one animal - a small dog"

"Yeah," said the girl, "its a Shitzu."
Click to expand...

nice :thumbsu:
 
nivek48 said:
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction
site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the
pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies,
but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now.

He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Click to expand...

Like it :thumbsu:
 
Barney had just got a job working for the Sesame Street School Bus Company and this was his very first day on the job.

At his first stop a mother was waiting with her two daughters. She told Barney that these were her twin daughters and their names were Patty Ann and Patty Sue. The girls were more than a little overweight. They got on the bus and took their seats.

At the next stop the mother introduced her son Josh and said that since he was a very special boy he needed to sit in the front of the bus. Josh got on and took his seat in the front of the bus.

At the next stop the mother told Barney that she was Mrs. Cleese and her son's name was Lester. He had trouble walking because he had bunions on his feet. Sure enough, when Lester got on the bus he removed his shoes and started picking at his bunions. Eeeeewwwww!

The rest of the stops were uneventful and as soon as all the children got off the bus, Barney immediately drove back to the bus station and told his boss he was quitting.

"But why are you quitting?"

"Because ...


I cannot take two obese Patties, special Josh, Lester Cleese picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus!"
 
jasnik said:
Barney had just got a job working for the Sesame Street School Bus Company and this was his very first day on the job.

At his first stop a mother was waiting with her two daughters. She told Barney that these were her twin daughters and their names were Patty Ann and Patty Sue. The girls were more than a little overweight. They got on the bus and took their seats.

At the next stop the mother introduced her son Josh and said that since he was a very special boy he needed to sit in the front of the bus. Josh got on and took his seat in the front of the bus.

At the next stop the mother told Barney that she was Mrs. Cleese and her son's name was Lester. He had trouble walking because he had bunions on his feet. Sure enough, when Lester got on the bus he removed his shoes and started picking at his bunions. Eeeeewwwww!

The rest of the stops were uneventful and as soon as all the children got off the bus, Barney immediately drove back to the bus station and told his boss he was quitting.

"But why are you quitting?"

"Because ...


I cannot take two obese Patties, special Josh, Lester Cleese picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus!"
Click to expand...

hahahahaha

:thumbsu:
 
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havers, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw; you'll look pure smart in that!"

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
 

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nivek48 said:
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction
site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the
pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies,
but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now.

He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Click to expand...
He he lol:thumbsu:
 
There once was an Indian whose given name was "onestone." So named because He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call Him onestone.

After years and years of torment, onestone finally cracked and said, "If Anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where He made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next Day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, onestone."

Onestone Grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all Day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made Love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

OH, come on...take a guess!

Think about it (You're going to love this!)

.....

.....

.....

....

.....


And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!
 
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