Random Dad Jokes

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An Essendon fan and his Bombers-loving dog attend the team's last home win of 2023. This mutt makes no secret about where his allegiances lie - every time an Essendon player takes a mark or kicks a goal, he does back flips and licks his owner's face lovingly. And when the final siren sounds with the Bombers in front on the scoreboard, the dog jumps into his owner's arms, wags his tail and howls his approval.

A disconsolate opposition fan comes over to shake the man's hand, and offer his congratulations. He says, "I couldn't help noticing your amazing dog - in fact, given the way the game went, I was watching him more than what was happening on the field. But I have to ask: if he acts like that when the Bombers win, what's he like after they win a final?"

The man's demeanour changes instantly. After a few seconds, he says, "Dunno - I've only had him for 18 years."
 

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Q: Why do you seldom see hippopotamuses hiding in trees?

A: Because they're really good at it.


I find that most people think this joke is cringey bad, and a minority love it. I told it once to Tom McCartin and Charlie Gardiner. Polite smiles and crickets. The most enjoyable part for me was that my mate and fellow Swans fan ran for the hills when he realised I was going to tell them. Embarrassed and didn't want to be associated.
 
Callipygian said:
Q: Why do you seldom see hippopotamuses hiding in trees?

A: Because they're really good at it.


I find that most people think this joke is cringey bad, and a minority love it. I told it once to Tom McCartin and Charlie Gardiner. Polite smiles and crickets. The most enjoyable part for me was that my mate and fellow Swans fan ran for the hills when he realised I was going to tell them. Embarrassed and didn't want to be associated.
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I have footage of Charlie Gardiner talking to Tom McCartin after this incident.

Killing Eve Carolyn GIF by BBC America
 
You want so stupid that....

Q: Why did the plane crash?

A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.


OR...

Q: What do a CHICKEN and a GRAPE have in common?

A: They both have FEATHERS! ................except for the GRAPE.


You can tell I'm a real dad with currently primary school aged kids, can't you!

JackHiscoxWasFast said:
A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I think I’m a Type O.
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My favourite joke in this thread so far.
 

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How many Eddie Maguire’s does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Only 1, he holds it in place because the world revolves around him.
 
A man wakes up and sees a gorilla in the tree outside his bedroom.

So he grabs his phone and googles "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

The man asks him - What are you going to do with all that ?

The gorilla remover says - I’m going to put up this ladder, climb to the top of the tree then shake the tree so the gorilla falls down. When the gorilla is on the ground, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze until the gorilla passes out. Then I lock him in the cage in the back of the van. the gorilla guy then hands the man the shotgun.

What's the shotgun for?, asks the man.

"If I fall out of the tree first, I need you to shoot the dog."
 
A slice of cherry pie in Barbados costs $7.50. But in Trinidad it costs $8.50.

These are the pierates of the Carribean.
 
JackHiscoxWasFast said:
There are 2 types of mathematicians in this world. Those who can count.
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As a mathematician, I'm going to have to correct you.

The joke goes.... there are 3 types of mathematicians. Those who can count and those who can't.

It's a self depreciating joke.

Hey, I said i was a mathematician not a wordsmith.
 
A man walks into an acting agency. The agent says what’ve you got ? The man says “ I sing through my a*se.” The agent says get out of here. The man says it’s true, I sing through my a*se. I can sing love songs, rock and hip hop. The agent says “you sing through you a*se ? If you really sing through your a*se we’ll both be millionaires. So let’s hear it then, says the agent.

So the man turns around, drops his pants and poops all over the agent’s desk. The agent says “what’d you do that for” ?

“I was just clearing my throat”.
 
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