Random Dad Jokes

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

Why not have a bit of fun? I’ll get this started:

What do musicians call their twin daughters ? Anna 1, Anna 2.

 

[Kiama Chris]

What does the Mexican gardener call his twin sons? Jose and Josb.

 

[sataris]

This is too much content.

 

[Grand Uncle Horace]

philreich

 

[caesar88]

It took 51 weeks but the thread of the year has arrived

 

[Ed_Gein]

Well I had a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

 

[rustycrate]

There was this family of skunks. Mum and her two kids. She called them IN and OUT.
Anyway one day IN went out. And he did not come back for a long time.
So Mum said to OUT "OUT, could you go out and bring IN in".
So OUT went out and pretty shortly he brought IN in.
Mum said to OUT "how did you find IN so quickly?".
It was easy. IN stinked. (instinct).

 

[philreich]

philreich

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Jew walk into a restaurant early one morning, sit down and start eating. They continue to eat for the rest of the morning, and well into the afternoon. Finally around 4pm, they come to the mutual decision that none of them can fit another morsel into their bloated bodies, and they call for the bill.

The waiter brings out the bill and gives it to the Englishman, who nearly dies of shock when he reads, "$650.00."

The Scotsman says, "I'll pay for that."

Next morning, locals pick up their local paper, and are shocked to read the following headline:

JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND DEAD BEHIND RESTAURANT!

 

[Mister B]

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa.

 

[bedford]

Umbelievable

 

[philreich]

Why did the art thief's van run out of petrol?

He had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

 

[Old Kenny]

What did the man say when the boy stole his cheese?

Hey! That’s nacho cheese!

 

[Bandicoot]

Four friends who play golf together every weekend were suddenly confronted by their wives who demanded that "enough is enough. You guys come home from work late and then spend all weekend together playing golf. From now on you're spending the weekend playing with the kids".
Well, this went on for about 3 months when one of the guys rang the other 3 and said "I've booked us in to play at 12.10 next Saturday. Don't care what you have to do, just be there."
Next Saturday comes around and all four have arrived. The one who organised the day asked the first guy "how were you able to get here?". He replied "it cost me heaps. I had to buy my wife dinner tonight at the most expensive restaurant in town.". The second guy said "that's nothing - I had to buy my wife diamond earrings." The organiser then said "before I rang you guys I had to pay for my wife and her mother to go on a cruise" when he then looked towards the fourth of the group and said "what did it cost you to be here? The reply was "it didn't cost me anything".
The others looked at him with astonishment. How come?
"Well, my wife and I were in bed this morning when I simply said to her that this golf embargo had gone far enough. She was about to argue the point when I then said - it's either the golf course or intercourse. She then looked me in the eye and said that it might rain today so I should take my rain jacket."

 

[Mister B]

Cost of living is out of control. I went to the servo to sort the tyre pressure. Would you believe they charged me $1.50? Inflation.

 

[philreich]

Cost of living is out of control. I went to the servo to sort the tyre pressure. Would you believe they charged me $1.50? Inflation.

I know what you mean - I was robbed at a petrol station this morning!!! When the policeman asked me who did it, I replied, "Pump number 4."

 

[Bandicoot]

I know what you mean - I was robbed at a petrol station this morning!!! When the policeman asked me who did it, I replied, "Pump number 4."

If it wasn't so serious, it would be a joke.
A couple of days ago, petrol was selling in Ballarat at $1.639 yet down the highway at Melton (which is an outer suburb of Melbourne) it was selling for $2.339. 70 cents a litre dearer for the same thing.
Yet, the politicians tell us that there is no petrol price gouging going on.

 

[philreich]

If it wasn't so serious, it would be a joke.
A couple of days ago, petrol was selling in Ballarat at $1.639 yet down the highway at Melton (which is an outer suburb of Melbourne) it was selling for $2.339. 70 cents a litre dearer for the same thing.
Yet, the politicians tell us that there is no petrol price gouging going on.

It's the one thing I miss about the pandemic. In July 2020, I paid 71.9 cents per litre, but it's now triple that price or more!!!!

 

[The King!]

Afl Joke ok?

 

[S120]

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table.

 

[robbieando]

I was so excited to work today that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours and cried.

 

[S120]

Call me an old softie, but I'd prefer if you call me a distinguished gentleman with a flagging erection.

(Credit to Norm Macdonald for this gem)

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

Why wasn’t Jesus Christ born in Collingwood ? They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.

 

[philreich]

Afl Joke ok?

View attachment 1877751

The Eagles are a bigger joke - they finished below a team that lost 20 games in a row .

 

[sataris]

I was so excited to work today that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours and cried.

Moderating the swans board isn't that bad

 

[rustycrate]

Did you know a Collingwood supporter invented the toothbrush.
That's why they call it a toothbrush.