The Humour Thread

[Pweter]

Mate said to me "what rhymes with orange",

I said "No it doesn't."

Haaahahahaaaa - Dad joke personified. Now I just need to remember it for if my kids ask me one day.

 

[Lore]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the idiot's house.


Knock knock?
Who's there?
The chicken.

 

[Andronicus]

I think I got ripped off with a thesaurus I bought the other day.

Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

 

[Andronicus]

Went to buy a watch the other day, and the salesman asked "Analogue?" I said "nah, just the watch"

 

[Pweter]

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

 

[TheBrightSide]

 

[Arctic fox]

Horse walks into pub, sits down and asks for a beer.
Barman obliges and asks..." so why the long face?"

 

[Lore]

I'll pay that

 

[Mercurial89]

Spent all day making a belt out of old wristwatches.



Was a waist of time.

 

[Stopher]

Thought this was worth putting in here...



We've all been there!

LANGUAGE WARNING!

 

[Max Headroom]

This is from a website by David Thorne that I find very amusing.

http://www.27bslash6.com/index.html

One of my favourites is below.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Logo Design

Hello David,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If the deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,


Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a ****ing joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report "Cause of accident?" I stated 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a ******ed child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon's the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a ****ing idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a ****ing smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few ****ing hours.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon

Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the **** is your point? Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm
To: Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get ****ed.

I discovered that an an author whose books I have enjoyed posts on this site, and I had the urge to (over) share authors that I like as I'm always looking for new reading material and assume others are too.

He writes funny stuff I like, these other people write funny stuff I like, he would obviously like them too, right? Except maybe not, and he probably gets lots of people erroneously assuming that they know him based on his novels.

So instead I post one of them here for all to enjoy, and I'll just tag him instead and he can safely ignore it, no need to back away slowly. Hi Final Siren

 

[Max Headroom]

A selection of comics from https://xkcd.com/, this guy also does amusing considered answers to hypothetical science questions




This makes me think of the htb tesla1962


Alt text:
"Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there.'

 

[Lore]

‘Can’t figure him out’: North Korea asks US experts to explain Trump

That headline though. DapperJong

 

[DapperJong]

‘Can’t figure him out’: North Korea asks US experts to explain Trump

That headline though. DapperJong

HAHAHAH!

This is really good. My housemate and I actually follow trumps activity very closely because he is just hilarious. If you're on insta check out a dude called vic berger. He does some great edits of trumps exploits.

 

[Dennis Trumpet]

What was the seagull’s favourite band?

Spoiler

hot chip

 

[doug85]

 

[Max Headroom]

https://xkcd.com/726/

 

[eDPS]

Can we get this thing to be the new Skeeta?

 

[eDPS]

How’s the name on this bloke

 

[Beerfish]

Not watching but is that the guy that had his myki inserted into his arm or some shit or is that some other whack job?

 

[eDPS]

Not watching but is that the guy that had his myki inserted into his arm or some shit or is that some other whack job?

Nope same one

 

[tesla1962]

What sound does an extractor fan make?

Well, it goes: "I used to love tractors but I am not so keen on them anymore"

 

[tesla1962]

how do you titillate an ocelot?

you oscillate its **** a lot!

 

[eDPS]

 

[eDPS]