Side by Side with Reykjavik - RIP (re-read Rey's message to us all #108, pg 5)

[bradrowe#32]

Very sad, always enjoyed his posts and he seemed like a great fella. Condolences to his loved ones.

 

[jmac70]

In honour of Rey, a very naughty boy.

 

[76woodenspooners]

Another finely polished Reykjavik gem ...

Dear Bigpond.

So I get that your system crippled my ADSL by throttling it back to less than dialup speed even though ive only used 2 GB out of 100 I have contracted for. I am sympathetic to your plight when you tell me its because Telstra and Bigpond systems cant communicate and its a software problem at your end. Here I was thinking you were the same thing, but apparently you have some sort of weird multiple personality disorder going on. Must be terrible. And of course being in telecommunications and provision of internet connectivity, I must assume software is something you have little familiarity with.

And your endless attempts to address my needs have been heartwarming to say the least. I now have an excellent introduction to understanding Philipino English after no less than 14 different members of your estimable service teams have not helped me over at least 10 hours of phone waiting during the last three weeks while all asking the same pointless inane questions over and over because they couldn't be assed reading the notes on my account.

I even didn't mind so much when those same 14 people managed to **** up the escalation of my problem several times resulting in a service team being dispatched (twice) to fix a (non-existent) problem on my phoneline, when the problem was back in your software all the time. At least it only took you three weeks to get the happy go lucky funsters of your server complex team on the case. Complex indeed. It must be complex, given you told me it will take them two months at least to fix the problem you created, by your incompetence, and you cant even be arsed sending me a note when its done. I should just check my ADSL every day and one day, hey presto, about May, it will be ok. Maybe. The suspense and surprise will be adequate recompense indeed for your inability to even do something as simple as provide a notification that you have un****ed my internet, which you yourselves stuffed. A point I think at least worth making again.

However, I hope you will at least permit me a momentary display of pique. I know I should have expected it, after all there is nothing you bunch of complete moronic jizzrags haven't stuffed up so far so I shouldn't have been surprised. But when you provided me with extra data capacity on my phone to give me some functionality after you crippled my system yourselves by your own incompetence, then told me I could whistle if I wanted it fixed in less than two months, I assumed that meant it was, oh I don't know, at least free.

So when I found that not only had you charged me for it, but twice, on my latest bill, I was a bit unimpressed. Especially when I rang your as always estimable Philipino sweatshop to have someone for the fifteenth time mispronounce "Rob" and ask me inane questions, then to be told that free means you charge me for it and when you fix my system, the one you stuffed by the way have I said that before, sometime in two months I can request a refund, I was less than thrilled.

So the large letter full of dog droppings that is about to arrive at your head orifice I mean office should be taken in the spirit of the above. Perhaps an invitation to do better if you will, or a commentary on the quality of your customer "Service".

Yours Failthfully,

A wellwisher.

P.S. ******* scumsucking campaignery bastard anal pustulent useless toeragging feculent taint snorting imbeciles. campaigner.

 

[Leviathan Pie]

Terribly sad, truly.

Rest in peace

 

[CFC2010]

I have a very similar story. He gave me some great career advice.

#thankyouReykjavik

He also messaged me when I first had my training wheels on at bigfooty.

Really appreciated the heads up.

Loved his posts.....Bigfooty Legend that's for sure.

P.S The Reykjavik Law will live on forever

 

[Gone Critical]

So sad to hear . RIP. What a poster.

 

[76woodenspooners]

One of Rey's literary masterpieces ...

... 50 shades of black white and blue ...

... Better (and more erotic ) than the work it is parodying ...

That is preferable to the true horror...



50 SHADES OF BLACK AND WHITE AND BLUE...


Chapter 1


I approached the building with caution, trying not to be intimidated. It was not every day you had an opportunity like this, and I had to make the most of it. Still, it was hard not to let the butterflies take hold. Me, a simple student and aspiring footballer, invited to the inner sanctum of the most hallowed of football clubs. But more than that, invited to interview...Him.


I found it almost impossible not to think of it that way, Him. Capitals and all. He was that...well, he was simply that much of a presence. His aura seeped from under the entrance like an almost palpable force, part charisma, part malice, part zen karate monk, sort of a cross between Manbearpig and Pei Mei from Kill Bill.


My sense of foreboding grew as I was greeted by his impeccable underling, a tall slender woman with strangely oriental features and an impeccable dark bob. She had a hint of French accent, and a larger dollop of French sophistication, like Manu from MKR but sexier though probably less good at galettes. That was a shame, I reflected, because I could ******* kill a galette right now.


"He will see you now."


She smiled and beckoned for me to follow. I did. What else could I do?


His office was imposing, and I had to stand and stare for long silent moments of regret while I adjusted to the darkness. Every wall was plastered in strange artefacts bearing cryptic labels; a small box containing Brad Hardie's self respect, a small vial of Jason Cloke's tears, and over by the bookcase, a book seemingly with no pages. I turned the cover, absentmindedly while I sought some semblance of self control.


Malthouse, a Football Life...things I could have done better.


"Do you like it?"


I turned suddenly, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, to find Him there. He had come through a small door in the wall, which was cunningly concealed by a bigger than lifesize picture of the man himself looking magisterial. Or constipated, I couldn't quite tell. Now I could see the man himself, up close, and had a chance to compare the two.


Yep...constipated...


“I said…do you like it?”


It didn’t seem like he was going to take no answer for an answer, which was kind of ironic given his press conferences.


“Err…I like the room.”


He nodded, sagely. “Yes. I had it done just the way I like it. My own space, exactly as I desired…”


I pointed to the bookcase. It was full of impressive tomes, leather bound with spines of gold, the titles like a catalogue of the greats of human thought. Nietzshe, Kant, Kardashian. A trend emerged too; Sun Tzu’s Art of war, Marcus Aurelius, Caesar’s Gallic Wars, Patton.


“You like war? Why is that?”


“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?”


“No, I ******* hate cheese.”


“Pity. Sure I cant interest you in some Camembert?”


I decided to change the subject. “So you…err…you’ve read all these?”


He just smiled a sphinxlike smile which is to say he looked like Napoleon had sawn his nose off and he was kind of pissed and then stroked a copy of The Ascent of Man.


“Impressive, aren’t they?”


“Yeah but, have you, like read them?”


“Cost a fortune to get too…”


“Yeah but, have you actually read them or do you just quote selective bits like a first year philosophy major who has just discovered Derrida and wants to bore everyone to death with their own importance?”


“Feel the leather…”


I sighed, a little wistful and did as he asked. It did feel kind of soft and nice too. Not as good as a Sherrin of course…


“So, Mister Steele. You went to a lot of trouble to get this interview.”


“Err, actually its Mister Sidebottom, Steele is my first name and…”


“Like I could give a flying **** Mister Steele. So…you got your chance, in the end…the Earth is Slow but the Ox is patient…and what did you want to talk to me about?”


I let it slide. I guess he was known for his unique and refreshing candour.


“Um…well, its an interview for the school paper and like…”


He smiled again, a sort of Cheshire cat smile, and his eyes bored through me like a stab pass. One day I might just kick with penetration like that, with the sort of coaching I could reliably expect from the richest club in the land…the thought came suddenly, a glorious dream.


I stopped, at least on the outside, but not inside. My inner goddess stirred, and began to do things that are banned in several countries and at least inadvisable in many others. Unless you are on an end of season trip with St Kilda.


“That would be a waste, Mister Steele.”


I swallowed, feeling many things, all of which I should probably list and add as many superfluous adjectives as possible to. But instead I’ll just say icky.


“I have a different plan Mister Steele.”


“Er…Mister Malthouse…”


“Call me Master!”


His voice flowed through me like honey, probably Manuka honey with a mix of redgum actually or something, but spicier, thick, luxurious, aching, throbbing, and assorted other nouns, verbs and or adjectives thrown at the page like a monkey flinging faeces. I swallowed again.


“M…master…”


He beamed, and I felt it again. My inner goddess, though this time she was dancing, probably some horrendous shit like the Macarena. I just hoped to **** it wasn’t dwarf twerking.


“That is so much better, Mister Steele. I have been watching you. For a long time. I know everything about you, every kick, every handball, everything…”


Now I felt stripped naked, and not in a good way either like mooning that girls boarding school after the grand final, a bad naked. It was so wrong, but holy hell it felt…erotic.


Erotic?!?!?!


I stuttered in my shock. “W…what do you mean…isn’t that a bit, stalkerish?!”


“We call it scouting. Dekker is really good at it, though I still think he needs to up the obsessive compulsive a bit. He refused to go through your rubbish, stupid bastard. He will never have a career in media afterwards at this rate. Still, we know a lot about you Mister Steele…what makes you a good footballer, what makes you tick…and other things, beside…transgressive things…”


My inner goddess was dancing again. But this time it was to K-Pop. That was never a good sign.


“Not…”


“Yes. I know you like walking on the wild side Mister Steele…”


“But, I only did it that once.”


“Mister Steele, once you have listened to Bruce McAvaney talk about Cyril Rioli, even once, it’s only a short ride to Hell.”


I hung my head. He was right of course. It felt so wrong…and yet…


“Would it surprise you to learn that I got you in here so in could interview you, not the other way around?”


Now I was shocked. And stunned, piqued, astonished, dismayed, aghast, awestruck…

“Would you like mine?” he handed me his thesaurus.


“Hey flabbergasted! That’s a good one!”


Suddenly I saw a red flash heading towards me and I reached out instinctively. It was a Sherrin.


“I see you are good at handling…balls…”


“Yes, my ball handling is very good…”


He nodded, as if he knew all along. “Yes, I know you like the feel of leather…and balls. Did I mention balls?”


“Err..yeah…”


“Yes, that is good. Are you ready for more though, Mister Steele?”


“More than bad Benny Hill double entendres?”


“Or single entendres. Yes, more…like this…”


I gasped. Now he had my attention. Not to mention the attention of my inner goddess who was struck silent, like someone reciting a list of reasons not to drop James Brayshaw off a cliff.


I stared. It was amazing. Incredible. Awe inspiring…


“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my being. I’m very attached to this.”


“I can tell Master Malthouse…”


“So…show me what you’ve got.”


I had no idea what to do. I’d never done something like this before, and it was so big, throbbing, needy…


“Stroke it Mister Steele.”


I swallowed. “Um…you’re…the best?”


“Harder! An ego this big doesn’t just stroke itself!”


“Um…you’re the master coach…innovative…successful…”


“Harder!”


“Ahh…****, can I have that thesaurus again?”


He looked disappointed, and I knew I had failed a test, but not the whole subject. He put his ego away again, which given its size was an impressive effort and required an ingenious use of hydraulics. It was still there though, I could feel it.

“Its ok Mister Steele. I can teach you…I am a master at that too, did I tell you? One preseason, two at the most, and you will give ego fellatio as good as Daisy.”


“Errr thanks…”


“So Mister Steele, do you want to come and be one of…My Boys?”


My inner goddess sang in triumph, in a lilting, pleasant voice vaguely reminiscent of Celine Dion going down on a waterbuffalo, which is to say her normal voice.


“Oh Master Malthouse…that is my most cherished ambition…”


“Good Mister Steele. I am going to take you to places you never imagined. If you can overcome your self respect…”


He reached into a drawer, and pulled out two items, items I would become familiar with, that would bind me to my Master . I watched in fear and longing as they made an appearance. Surprise made me speak without being asked.


“Um…I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the collective bargaining agreement…”


He seemed surprised. “What, these? Oh, I just wear those while I dictate my memoirs…no, this is the instrument of your subjection Mister Steele…one simple, effective, and flexible instrument, for your master to make you his slave…”


I stared at it, such a seemingly innocuous object, and yet also the gateway to a new world of unspeakable degradation and yet also awakening. My inner goddess was doing a time trial now, so she had already lapped Brodie Grundy twice.


Standard AFL Player Contract


“Welcome to your new life Mister Steele…My Boy. Always one of…My Boys…”

"So....are you sure I cant get you some cheese?"

 

[ColinWood]

Very sad news. My condolences to his family and friends, including many our of posters.

#sidebyside

Rip Reykjavik

 

[Temploar]

In tears,

this drink's on you Rey.

Take it easy up there buddy <3

 

[surfer1]

Like everyone else RIP, come on Pies do it for him and his family

 

[4tone]

God has a plan for all us. RIP

 

[the mighty T]

This saddens me so much. An incredible contributor to this board.. loved reading his posts..

You will be missed Reykjavik. RIP

 

[TheGreatGrundy]

One of Rey's literary masterpieces ...

... 50 shades of black white and blue ...

... Better (and more erotic ) than the work it is parodying ...

This is probably my favourite Reykjavik piece. A very sophisticated and clever little narrative, with some classic lines, such as:

'His office was imposing, and I had to stand and stare for long silent moments of regret while I adjusted to the darkness. Every wall was plastered in strange artefacts bearing cryptic labels; a small box containing Brad Hardie's self respect, a small vial of Jason Cloke's tears, and over by the bookcase, a book seemingly with no pages. I turned the cover, absentmindedly while I sought some semblance of self control.'


Malthouse, a Football Life...things I could have done better.

OR

'He looked disappointed, and I knew I had failed a test, but not the whole subject. He put his ego away again, which given its size was an impressive effort and required an ingenious use of hydraulics. It was still there though, I could feel it.

“Its ok Mister Steele. I can teach you…I am a master at that too, did I tell you? One preseason, two at the most, and you will give ego fellatio as good as Daisy.”

I would love to know more about the man's life and accomplishments. He was undoubtedly a person of great talent and obviously such a well rounded individual who viewed life through many windows. I can only guess at his age but he was certainly younger than me going by his references to early football memories.

 

[CasuallyDressed]

Sad news, he was a fantastic poster.

RIP sir.

 

[Babylove]

Sad news. My condolences to his family and friends. RIP.

#sidebyside

 

[76woodenspooners]

I would love to know more about the man's life and accomplishments.

He once shared with us that he was a lawyer

He was undoubtedly a person of great talent and obviously such a well rounded individual who viewed life through many windows.

This

It takes a true renaissance man who, in the one literary piece, can find a place for ...

... 'Nietzsche' and 'Sun Tzu' ...

... And ...

... 'Kardashian' and 'Dwarf Twerking'

 

[ppoiter]

He once shared with us that he was a lawyer



This

It takes a true renaissance man who, in the one literary piece, can find a place for ...

... 'Nietzsche' and 'Sun Tzu' ...

... And ...

... 'Kardashian' and 'Dwarf Twerking'

I remember Old Spice started a thread a while back inviting people to list their professions. Can't remember the title or I'd post the link but did he not say he started off in science?

 

[Morganashlee]

Terrible news, our board lost a brilliant poster, our club has lost a passionate supporter and the world has lost a good man.

May the view from above be as special as the views you shared with us regularly.

You will be missed Rey.

#SidebySide

 

[NT.Thunder]

I remember Old Spice started a thread a while back inviting people to list their professions. Can't remember the title or I'd post the link but did he not say he started off in science?

Was it this one?

I love the employment thread on the main board. It's great to know what people do and to possibly use them for mentoring, advice, guidance just to discuss or debate something similar in their line of work.

Maybe we should change the title to this one and kick it off in the nest in case anyone is looking for advice on career opportunities.

http://www.bigfooty.com/forum/threads/ces-collingwood-employment-service.1064145/

 

[ppoiter]

Was it this one?

I love the employment thread on the main board. It's great to know what people do and to possibly use them for mentoring, advice, guidance just to discuss or debate something similar in their line of work.

Maybe we should change the title to this one and kick it off in the nest in case anyone is looking for advice on career opportunities.

http://www.bigfooty.com/forum/threads/ces-collingwood-employment-service.1064145/

I don't think so, quite a few people had posted in it last time I looked. If I recall correctly people were just encouraged to post a sentence or two about their current jobs. Personally I'd be happy to share more about what I do in some shape or form if it would be helpful to anyone starting out in science

 

[JB1975]

I haven't been in the Big Footy world a long time, but I quickly realised that posters like Reykjavik are the ones that hold this place together, the ones who make this place a community. Few pieces of writing have taken hold of me as much as his final post on the board, and still it doesn't let go.

His irreverence and wit will be sadly missed, but it is my suspicion and hope that his spirit will continue to infuse every thread. RIP.

 

[Collingwoodity]

All the best Iceland.

Very disappointing. This is happening all to frequently. Please someone help find a cure for all the pain that good people go through with these diseases.

 

[jmac70]

Good thought Kappa.

Can we sticky this thread for a while? Don't want it to drop off the main board

 

[Vicky Park]

Can we sticky this thread for a while? Don't want it to drop off the main board

Pretty sure that will happen, Jmac.

 

[Nightowl]

Such very sad news.
Such a talented wordsmith.
RIP. Reyk.