VelvetSledge
Moderator
- May 24, 2007
- 17,859
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- Essendon
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- Liverpool FC, Melbourne Storm
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- #1
ESSENDON BOMBERS
We came into the match with Brisbane as a bit of an unknown quantity, with our first win against Melbourne a week earlier really a case of “Were we good or were Melbourne shite”.
Turns out, both. This is the Essendon we were all expecting at the start of the year.
The heavily fancied Lions came into the match with a 3-0 record and an impressive, fast, free-flowing game plan which was heavily focused on winning the centre clearances.
They didn’t factor in the midfield trio of Merrett, Heppell, and a young fella called Dylan Shiel.
The Essendon engine room was mighty impressive, running all day and pushing through the corridor which resulted in plenty of free-running efforts into the 50.
A young bloke from the Tiwi Islands had a day out, with Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti finishing with a career-high 7 goals on an absolute day out for the livewire small forward/midfielder.
Mitch Brown came into the seniors after 5 goals in the VFL and was one of our bests; he simply doesn’t miss targets, is a dead-eye in front of goal, and has incredibly sticky hands.
Cale Hooker hasn’t played a full game of footy in the better part of half a year, and yet, he was unstoppable in the backline.
Darcy Parish just keeps chaining these impressive performances together.
Fantasia through the middle is a scientifically proven cure for erectile dysfunction.
Paddy Ambrose is strong as an ox and doesn’t give a ****.
Hurley is, at this point, moving past Demi-God to just plain god.
Eric Hipwood is a little bitch and wears frilly socks.
Luke Hodge is still a knob, even if he doesn’t wear brown and gold anymore.
How good is Zaharakis again? We might have short memories but god damn he’s impressive when he wants to be.
I understand the concerns with Heppell’s leadership over the first few weeks of the season, but the past fortnight has proven that he’s a serious leader. He will be our next premiership captain.
Dev Smith is down a little on last year’s performances and is STILL nailing it every single week.
Andy McGrath is showing more and more improvements every week, and it won’t be long until he starts shredding teams apart.
Zach Merrett is back to his best. 35 touches, a goal, and pressure acts all afternoon. Was completely dominant.
ESSENDON BOMBERS 17.10 112 def. BRISBANE LIONS 9.11 65
BEST: McDonald-Tipungwuti, Merrett, Zaharakis, Brown, Hooker, Heppell, Shiel
GOALS: McDonald-Tipungwuti 7, Brown 3, McGrath, Fantasia 2, Stringer, Merrett, Baguley
INJURIES: Myers (Lacerated face because Hipwood is a ******* bitch)
REPORTS: Nil
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LOL NORF
Ahhh Norfies. They tried their hardest to go 0-4, but somehow came away with a win.
Seventeen behinds at this level of the game is embarrassing, and the forward coach at Norf would need to have a good hard look in the mirror. Or a highly reflective spoon.
Ben Brown somehow managed to slot 4 goals, which is impressive considering he spent 90% of the night attempting to imitate a dead salmon being launched out of a T-shirt cannon.
Full credit to the Norf defence; while their forwards were spraying shots like a 6 year old at the driving range with a driver six sizes too big, they held fast and stopped the dangerous Adelaide forwards (y’know, Eddie Betts and... That’s it) from doing too much damage.
Kayne Turner is still getting games at AFL level, which is mind-blowing.
I really like Ben Cunnington. He fishes with his bare hands, bleeds pure testosterone, and his namer sounds like something dirty.
Jed Anderson is a midfield bull, which is bizarre because he looks like a muscular 3 year old girl, with hair to match.
Jared Polec’s post-match interview was bizarre; if you watch with your eyes closed you’d be convinced you're listening to an 11 year old talk about how his Auskick session was.
Luke McDonald now has 100 games on the board. Let that sink in.
LOL NORF 9.17 71 def. ADELAIDE CROWS 8.11 59
BEST: Higgins, Tarrant, Anderson, Polec, Brown, Pittard
GOALS: Brown 4, Ziebell 2, Higgins, Cunnington (heeheeheehee), Zurhaar
INJURIES: Nil
REPORTS: Nil
ESSENDON EMERGENCIES
Kyle Langford, Aaron Francis, Brayden Ham, Sam Draper
LOL NORF EMERGENCIES
Nathan Hrovat, Nick Larkey, Tarryn Thomas, Tom Campbell
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ESSENDON INS: Matt Guelfi
ESSENDON OUTS: Devon Smith (Managed)
NORF INS: Sam Wright, Bailey Scott
NORF OUTS: Tarryn Thomas (Rested), Luke McDonald (Suspension)
LATE CHANGES:
ESSENDON IN: Joe Daniher, Brayden Ham
ESSENDON OUT: Zac Clarke (Calf), Zaharakis (Cut knee)
DEBUT:
Brayden Ham, #33
Drafted From Geelong Falcons, Pick 72, 2018 National Draft
A frustrating but understandable switch for the Bombers this week. By his own lofty standards, Devon Smith has under-performed this year, and looks to have been playing hurt. Not significantly, but enough to stop him from having his usual impact through the middle and half-forward. In an attempt to get him cherry-ripe for ANZAC Day against the high-flying Magpies next week, Woosh has seen fit to let him have a week off. The polarizing Matt Guelfi is his replacement, which means that our team just got about 30% more attractive. Blue steel.
Norf sees Luke McDonald suspended, which was a bit weak if we're honest; but we can't really question the MRO and tribunal anymore, purely because even they don't know what the **** they're doing. Replacing him and the rested Tarryn Thomas are the experienced Sam Wright and the father-son selection from last year, Bailey Scott.
EDIT:
Two late changes from the Bombers, with debutant Brayden Ham coming in for David Zaharakis, who was in hospital throughout the week with a deep-set infection to a cut knee he suffered during last week's win against Brisbane. Zac Clarke had a secondary calf bleed last night and the Bombers saw fit to say **** IT A FINE AIN'T SHIT WE RICH AS A ROCKEFELLER BOI and so we completely took the piss out of the emergency system and brought Joe Daniher straight back in. I love the audacity of this and the outrage it's created.
I hope he kicks ******* ten.
ESSENDON BOMBERS – #43 –ANTHONY McDONALD-TIPUNGWUTI
Oh man! We knew he was good. We knew he had the potential to tear games apart. After a very slow start to the season where he did precisely ****-all, Walla popped up against Melbourne with a classy four goal game. And then, last week, he took it to a whole new, never-before-seen level. 20 touches. 7 of those, goals. 10 marks at the height of approximately 3 foot 4 inches. It’s at this point that we should never doubt Walla. He can just about do anything now. Dominate a game from start to finish? Easy. Win a Coleman? Yeah sure, why not. Brownlow? How does he not have 3 by now? I’m fairly certain that if you gave him a microscope and an array of stem cells, he’d find a cure for cancer in about 4 minutes. Speed, flair, and the most ridiculously accurate kick at goal save for maybe Mitch Brown(low). It was only a matter of time until he chained it all together at the highest level, and he did it last weekend. I don’t often quote Basil Zempilas, because he’s a bit of a knob, but A-M-T. As good as you’ll see!
ESSENDON BOMBERS – #28 – MITCH BROWN
Has there been a more polarising figure in this Essendon side over the past few years? I’ve had my times where I’ve been frustrated with his tendency to simply disappear from the game without doing anything, and I’ve had my times where I’ve been singing his praises. After last week, I’m prepared to start calling him Mitch Brownlow. Yes I’m taking the piss, but let me have my Dad joke. After coming off a 5 goal performance against the
LOL NORF – #18 - SHAUN ATLEY
*Laughs in Adrian Dodoroism*
LOL NORF – #10 - BEN CUNNINGTON
I can’t even take the piss here, and that’s all I do. Cunnington is a serious player and bloke; perhaps the most blue collar footy player there is in the league. He doesn’t wear long sleeves, but if he did, he’d roll them up before the bounce every week. He felt like digging a hole once, did it, and that’s how Lake Eyre began. While Jesus walked on water, Cunnington swims on land. I’m fairly certain he built the hospital he was born in. Bloke just works that hard. I’ll always have a soft spot for Cunnington, because if I don’t, he’ll find me and separate my neck from my body.
A new addition this year; The Golden Kipfler celebrates the spuddiest player on the opposing side.
There’s been plenty of controversial figures in the history of the weird little brother in Norf. Wayne Carey, arguably the best player of all time, rooting half the team’s wives and then shifting to Adelaide for some reason when he was caught out. Glenn Archer, Shinboner (what does that even MEAN) of the Century, beating the piss out of a runner at his son’s junior football game. Shannon Grant also beating the piss out of someone, but not a runner. His ex-partner.
Perhaps one of the most polarising figures of Norf’s history has been the human equivalent of chewy on your shoe whilst walking on new carpet, Lindsay Thomas. This little shit was a diving, flopping, annoying, cheating little turd, and it looks like he’s passed on his ways to the closest thing we have to Sideshow Bob in real life, Ben Brown.
Goodness me, the footage of him accentuating contact in marking contests is sad viewing. I usually like watching him play; from the powerful leads, the marks on the chest, the run-ups to goal which start from the coast of Croatia and take thirteen years to end... I don’t want to see Ben Brown flopping around like a set of old man testicles hanging around his knees in the change rooms of the Mooroolbark Goodlife Fitness Club. He’s a power athlete and should be able to hold his place in the marking contests without needing to flop like a 3-day old chicken fillet onto the kitchen floor.
Maybe it’s the ghost of Lindsay Thomas’ past.
Maybe it’s Ben Brown’s organic, gluten free, GMO prohibitive, cruelty free, hemp and flax seed infused diet.
Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Maybe he should just cut the shit and play the game. The Oscars aren’t for another year or so.
This week’s Golden Kipfler nominee is Ben Brown and his limp-dicked Matt Mitcham impression.
Round 1 Nominee: Dylan Buckley, GWS
Round 2 Nominee: Dan Hannebery, St Kilda
Round 3 Nominee: Steven May's Groin, Melbourne
Round 4 Nominee: Mitch Robinson's Weird Fortnite Career, Brisbane
Round 5 Nominee: Ben Brown's Limp-Dicked Matt Mitcham Impression, Lol Norf
The annual match against Norf is one of mixed feelings. It often riles us, makes us excited for the weekend’s action, but with no more eagerness than usual. It’s usually a good game; the teams match up on each other rather well and last year’s game was one of the best of the season. The players get into it, and the thirteen Norf fans all show up. It’s a bit of an event, isn’t it? Where did all this animosity start?
The year was 1920. The Titanic had sank some 8 years prior, and the League of Nations was established. Italian Anarchists bombed Wall Street with a horse-drawn cart. Women gained the right to vote in the USA. Boomer Harvey turned 13, and the North Melbourne Football Club had been rejected for a licence into the VFL over and over. The Victorian Railways Commission declared that the East Melbourne Cricket Ground was to be closed at the end of 1921, and the Flinders Street Railyard was going to be expanded. This was an issue for Essendon, as East Melbourne was our home ground at the time, and we would need to find a new ground from 1922 onwards. Their attention turned to the North Melbourne Rec Reserve, nowadays known as Arden Street. The Bombers most successful recruiting zones were the surrounding suburbs, so the move made sense. The only issue? This was where Norf played.
One year later, in June 1921, Essendon and Norf made footy headlines. The Bombers announced that they were moving to Arden Street. The North Melbourne Footy Club, desperate to get into the VFL, came to the conclusion that they were to seek a merge with Essendon for 1922 onwards. On June 30, the North Melbourne Football Club was disbanded as a senior club. Did it pay off? In a word, lol no jesus christ what a **** up.
The two clubs had not reached any formal agreement on a merger. The basic plan behind the disbanding was to allow players to transfer to Essendon prior to the July 1st deadline. If all went well, the newly merged team would be fine to play from the start of the 1922 season. Champions of North, Syd Barker and Charlie Hardy, both ended up in the red and black of Essendon.
One thing North hadn’t accounted for was how keen the VFA was for them to stay in their competition. Since the VFL was brought to life in 1897, the league maintained a strong control over inner city Melbourne. Clubs such as Collingwood, Carlton, and a myriad of others were able to command high numbers and ticket sales due to their location, and the result was the VFA slowly fading into irrelevance as it was pushed to the outskirts of the city. This situation got significantly worse when Richmond moved to the VFL in 1908.
This left Norf as the VFA’s most central club to the city, and the Association had no intention of letting this switch happen quietly. The VFA launched an official protest to the State Minister of Lands, requesting that the Bombers’ move to Arden St be vetoed. The Minister upheld the protest and refused the Bombers permission to move to the ground. Reasoning behind it? With no Norf, the VFA would fold due to the VFL dominating the city.
See Norfies? You were important once!
An appeal from Essendon was dismissed, and left Norf in a sticky spot. No club. No team. The ultimate spit in the face came when the Bombers signed a deal to play games at the Essendon Recreation Reserve. Syd Barker, Norf champion, stayed with the Bombers for three years, and was made captain coach in 1922. He led the Bombers to back-to-back premierships in 1923 and 1924, before retiring.
What happened to North? Seeing as the VFA pushed so hard for them to remain in the Association, they were certain to be re-admitted. The only condition? The committee had to be wiped and started fresh. The North players who moved to VFL clubs in 1921 remained disqualified from playing VFA, and the result was a cripped North.
The big boys in Essendon had flexed their muscle over North, who, unfortunately for them, were barred from a merge by the VFA. Timing worked out poorly for the Arden St lads, who lost two of their best ever players to their neighbours. The Bombers? It worked out well for them. Two flags resulted from the VFA’s stubborness over the North situation, and no-one in red and black lost a wink of sleep.
For a lot of North fans to hold malice over Essendon for something that happened nearly 100 years ago makes little to no sense, especially when you see the facts. They’re mad that their club was bullied by the Association they dealt with? Fair enough. The Bombers simply started the snowball, however. The rolling and subsequent gathering of shit was all on the VFA, which eventually fizzled out anyways.
Why so mad though?
Maybe it’s down to Daniher beating Brown for AA a few years ago, even though “BROWN KICKED MOAR GOALZ”.
Maybe it’s down to Cale Hooker ruffling the hair of a Norf player last year, which they’re still bloody talking about.
Maybe it’s the unhealthy obsession to talk about us during our darker days, where the infamous * thread became the most popular topic on their board... Even more than their own club.
Personally, I love the games between these two sides. They’re entertaining, they’re high scoring, and if we win, the reading after the match is Pulitzer prize stuff.
Go the Dons!
Credit to Ricky Mangidis for the old article on the Norf Website where I got a lot of this info from. Good read.
No rant this week, as no-one nominated.
Pls.
ROUND 15, 2018
Marvel Stadium
1/7/18
ESSENDON BOMBERS 19.11 125
def.
LOL NORF 16.12 108
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ESSENDON BEST: Heppell, Myers, Fantasia, Merrett, McKernan
ESSENDON GOALS: Fantasia, McKernan 4, Stringer 3, Myers 2, Bellchambers, Smith, Baguley, Merrett, McDonald-Tipungwuti, McGrath
NORF BEST: Higgins, Goldstein, MacMillan, Cunnington
NORF GOALS: Wood 3, Cunnington, McDonald, Brown 2, Ziebell, Atley, Hrovat, Dumont, Turner, Ahern, Clarke
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CHANGES SINCE THEN:
ESSENDON OUTS: Goddard, Langford, McKernan, Dea, Colyer, Smith
ESSENDON INS: Ridley, Redman, Zaharakis, Parish, Clarke, Shiel
NORF OUTS: McDonald, Clarke, Hrovat, Williams, Daw, Murphy
NORF INS: Zurhaar, Hall, Polec, Pittard, Davies-Uniacke, Scott
MELBOURNE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST)
RADIO: Triple M, 3AW, SEN, ABC
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
SYDNEY:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST)
RADIO: ABC
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
ADELAIDE:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 3.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.30pm ACST)
RADIO: Triple M, ABC, FIVEaa
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
PERTH:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 2.00pm AWST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 2.00pm AWST)
RADIO: ABC, 6PR
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
BRISBANE:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST)
RADIO: ABC
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
TASMANIA:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 4.00pm AEST)
RADIO: Triple M, AFL Nation, ABC
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
DARWIN:
TV: Channel 7 (LIVE at 3.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 3.30pm ACST)
RADIO: AFL Nation, ABC
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
Norf are one of the more underwhelming sides so far this year. You could argue that we’re in that camp too, after our showings in the first two rounds. With that said, even in victory last week, the lads from Arden St didn’t look impressive at all, and it was a shocker of a match to sit down and watch. The lesser of two evils, or the better of two shitty footy teams.
With that said, they always seem to get up for our games, and this is their very own marquee match where they’ve finally convinced one of the bigger teams to play them to make it a legitimate event. This is Norf’s annual grand final, and it’ll be interesting to see just what they bring to the table against an Essendon side that is playing some seriously hot footy. For what it’s worth, I can’t see them getting that close, but I fully expect this to come back and bite me in the ass.
Bombers by 46.
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