Lame Jokes Part 2

[Wallaby]

My wife wanted an I-Phone and an I-Pod. Couldn't find them, so I got her an I-Ron.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call Elon when he's skinny?

A Musk stick.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a shop full of men's body sprays?
A cologney.

 

[worbod]

A friend of mine died recently when he choked on a cup of coffee. At least he didn't suffer too much: it was instant.

 

[Wallaby]

I put a map of the world on the wall and told my wife to throw a dart and wherever it landed, that's where we'd go.

Apparently, this year, we're going behind the fridge.

 

[Xtreme]

Today I found out that Dwayne Johnson lives in the apartment above mine. Can’t believe that for years I've been living under a Rock.

 

[Wallaby]

My six-year old is starting to ask awkward questions about the human body.

I probably shouldn't have hidden it in the freezer in the first place.

 

[worbod]

I began watching a documentary about coin manufacturing the other day but I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

 

[worbod]

I watched another documentary about the zodiac but it was a load of Taurus.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I'm gonna rank people based on their crying.

It's gonna be a tear list.

 

[raskolnikov]

I had a job interview today but wasn't successful. Apparently the correct answer to "Can you perform under pressure?" isn't, "No. But I do a kick arse rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody".

 

[GreyCrow]

Interviewers notes ' Another One Bites the Dust '

 

[Xtreme]

Apparently Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

If you tweak the name of Matt Hancock, you're effectively calling him a w***er.

 

[worbod]

One-fifth of people are just too tense.

 

[worbod]

I recently read a story about a pixie who had an abnormal growth on her rear end. It was a fairy tail.

 

[Xtreme]

What do you get when you combine unicorns and balloons? No more balloons!

 

[raskolnikov]

My wife rang me and told me that if I wasn't home in 10 minutes she was giving my dinner to the dog. I was home in 5. I'd hate for anything to happen to the dog.

 

[Satan]

Dont fart in an apple store . They dont have windows

 

[Wallaby]

Sex at 50 is great.

I live at No. 48.

 

[worbod]

I work at a factory that makes Dracula figurines.

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.

 

[worbod]

My local theatre company are asking for volunteers to help put on a puppet show during the next school holidays, so I put my hand up.

 

[worbod]

For all of you musos out there, I am giving away my theremin if anyone is interested. I haven't touched it in years.

 

[Billy ray]

In sports news today the PGA and Saudi funded LIV Golf merged. As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Person 1: Is this a Tudor house?
Person 2: No. It's a many doors house.