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Family Guy Quotes

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Jarryd_S said:
No contest.

Funniest Family Guy moment ever is when Peter thinks he's a woman and he breast feeds Stuey. Stueys face when he realises, then pulling out the nipple hair. :D :D
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Agree!

The only one that comes close is when Stewie is beating the crap out of Brian because he hasn't paid of his gambling debts!!
 
Stewie: Ummm, yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said no Portuguese, but ummm...no Portuguese.

............................................

Brian: Yeah I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

............................................

Lois Griffin: Chris, you can't join the Army, you're too young. Besides, the Army's weak. Now the Marines- those are the men you wanna ********.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Chris. The army's great! You get money for college, you get free food, and all the brown people you can rape.
 
Some may find it offensive but the episode where Joe falls off a boat into the water, drowning:

Some Girl: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, Kick!
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear.....Kick, Joe, Kick!
 

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Benno_900 said:
Some may find it offensive but the episode where Joe falls off a boat into the water, drowning:

Some Girl: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, Kick!
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear.....Kick, Joe, Kick!
Click to expand...

That was a classic :thumbsu:

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.
 
When they are stranded on the desert island and they play the choice game -
Peter: "Ok, here's one guys.....what would you rather be - blind or a midget?"

Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe all say Blind.

Peter: "Oh Really?, you guys never wanted to be a midget and wear those stupid little costumes and make everyone laugh!"

Peter: "Ok, heres another one - Black or Crippled?"

(bearing in mind joe's crippled and clevelands black) - Classic!
 
Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch. (I have a Stewie t-shirt that says that)

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Wilford Brimley: Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley and I have Diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and I took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?!

Peter: Are you gonna eat that stapler?
TV Executive: You...can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Stewie: Oh hey Liddane. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.
 
Love the bit where peter narrates his own life but i think it has already been quoted

Stewie
"Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over."

Stewie
"You're doin, your doin goooood"
 
Tricia: And here comes David Bowie! David, what bings you all the way to...
David Bowie: Shhhhhh! Just you shut your mouth.
Tricia: Ooooh! Me love to meet Ziggy Stardust! I take you home! I make you fish ball soup! Fish ball!
Tom Tucker: Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years...


Stewie: Hey Bria...what?
Brian: I didn't say anything.
Stewie: Oh...I...I thought you...you interrupted...me. Don't interrupt me!
Brian: Are you ok?
Stewie: I'm as ok as your face!

Brian: Yeah, could I get two martinis?
Horace (looking at Stewie): Hey, is he 18?
Brian: Horace, the drinking age is 21.
Horace: Oh.

Stewie: Let me tell you something Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a ********ing sock in it you cow!
 
"Heres a song thats got me through a lot of tough times"
Pulls out a guitar
"we were at the beach,
everybody had matching towels,
somebody went under a dock,
and there they saw a rock,
but it wasnt a rock,
it was a ROCK LOBSTER
ROCK LOBSTER
ROCK LOBSTER,

eheheheh yeh ur gonna be okay"
 
To Live And Die In Dixie

Chris: Oh No Somebody peed in my pants
 

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Tom Tucker: Now we will go to black u weatherman Ollie Willaims with Todays forecast. Ollie?
Olie Williams: ITS GONNA RAIN!!!!!!!!

Tom Tucker: Now we will go to Ollie Williams at the scene of the of the hurricane How is o=it out there Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Its raining Sideways
Tom: Dont You have an umbrella?
Ollie: Yeah bout 3 miles down that Way
Tom: Is there anything we can get you?
Ollie: Soup
Tom: What type Ollie?
Ollie: CHUNKY!!!!!!!!!!!


Quagmire: Hey guys came look at my RV
Brian: Quagmires cross Country Tour, Doesnt Country have a u in it?
Quagmire: Nope.
 
Peter's Boss: Where do you see yourself in two years if you are at this company?

Peter's Brain: Don't say doing your wife don't say doing your wife

Peter: Doing your... son?
 
Stewie's last comments when he thought he was dying of skin cancer (after getting burned in the tanning machine).

Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid.
I see you lurking there on the periphery of my vision.
But when I try to look at you, you scurry away.
Are you shy, squiggly line?
Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye?
Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven.

[youtube]ts7QTqtth-M[/youtube]
 

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Smurf #1: Hey, did you have a good time last night?
Smurf #2: Smurf-tacular!
Smurf #1: Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf #1: Shut the Smurf up!
Smurf #2: Yeah!
Smurf #1: Right in the Smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Smurf-Yeah!
Smurf #1: Oh! That is freaking Smurf!

Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gagoogidy that girl. I gashmoygadied her gaflavity with my googus. And I am sorry.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what...
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.

Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
 
(Adam West is marrying his hand)
Priest: If anyone has any reason as to why this marriage should not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace.
(Adam West's other hand raises up)
Adam West: Shut up, you had your chance!
_______________________________________________
Trisha Takinawa: Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?
Mayor Adam West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup... no I take that one back. I'm gonna hold onto that one.
________________________________________________
Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Adam West: How do you know my language?
______________________________________________
Adam West: We gather today to remember those brave Quahog men that were lost at sea. The bible declares, an eye for an eye, so let us now take our vengeance on this murderous ocean (stabs ocean). You won't be hurting anyone anymore!
_______________________________________________
Meg Griffin: Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands.

Mayor Adam West: Are you Sarah Connor?
___________________________________________________________
Mayor Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!

Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.

Mayor Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again! [hangs up] I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.
__________________________________________________
Mayor Adam West: Meg, I'm going to lunch now and i'm having pizza. So if you see the noid running around tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness, i'll snap his neck.
_____________________________________________________
Peter Griffin: What are you doing?

Construction Worker: Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies, so the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete

Mayor Adam West: You'll thank me when no one eats our brains, you'll thank me.
 

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