KeithBlight
Senior List
Just to take everyone's mind off how bad our commentators are in real life, here's more of the story of Dwayne's surprise 50th birthday party, which began with Part One and Part Two on Page 9 of this thread.
Part three, “Not a whole lotta love....for Drew”
With most of the guests having had their fill of pizza, Bruce slips a DVD into his player and makes an announcement.
Bruce: Could I have everyone’s attention for just a moment... could I? With this night being a celebration of our great friend Dwayne Russoow, I’ve had a speccccial DVD put together of some of his best calling, just to get us in the mood for when he arrives in about half an hour’s time.
He presses the “Play” button and, while many DVD players take a couple of seconds for the “Play” to initiate, this one comes on straight away.
Dennis Cometti: “Play’s” on immediately!
For the next few minutes the guests are subjected to a murderous overload of Dwayne’s most infamous and repetitive catchphrases. Agonised groans spread around the room as co-commentators squirm in the foetal position with blood trickling from their eardrums.
Realising this was probably not the best idea, Bruce moves to turn off the DVD. Danny Frawley however, being the only one actually enjoying the DVD, attempts to stop Bruce, but is struck on the side of the head by one of Mark McLure’s size 12’s, which he’d just hurled in the direction of the TV.
Miraculously, as Frawley falls to the floor unconscious, he knocks the power lead out of the wall.
“It’s a miracle!” cries Brian Taylor, doing his best impression of Dwayne, and is immediately struck down by McLure’s other boot.
Drew Muppett: (Wiping the blood from his ears.) Well, now that all that’s over, I’ve got something here I’m sure we can all enjoy.
He pulls a video cassette out of his vest, “Drew Morphett’s Great Interviews of the ‘80s and ‘90s.”
Drew: Bruce, would you happen to have a VCR handy?
Bruce: Gee Drew, haven’t used it for a while, but I think we still might have one out in the shed.
To the sighs of disappointment from every other guest, Bruce returns with a dusty VCR and hands it to Muppett.
Drew: Oh.... VHS. You don’t have Beta?
Bruce: No. Who did?
Everyone: Hooray! Another miracle!
Drew is mortified at the thought that people were genuinely happy NOT to watch his video.
Drew: Come on, guys. What are you trying to say? You don’t want to watch my interviews with some of the greats of the game? Players like Mick Turner, Gazza Ablett, Wow Jones, Sticks Kernahan...?
I know. You’re all jealous cos you didn’t share the same unique chemistry with those guys that I did!
Kevin Bartlett: Get outta here, Drew. They couldn’t stand you.
Drew: No... No... that’s not true.
Mike Sheahan: Yes it is, Drew. They used to call you “Drew Morphine”.
Drew: NNNO!!! They never! They called me “Drewy”. They called me “Morphetty”!
Billy Brownless: Wake up, Drew. Everyone hates you! Even current players call you “Drew More-pffft”.
Drew: No. They love me. They LOVE ME!
As laughter once again rings out, Drew runs from the house crying hysterically, As he races down the front path, a groggy Tony Shaw is shoved out of his way, and steps on a rake which springs up and whacks him in the forehead.
Meanwhile back inside;
Rex Hunt: Geez, I’d reckon Drew’s mood is as black as a dog’s guts!
Tony Leonard: Hey look, Drew dropped another video cassette on his way out. “Drew Morphett’s Greatest Cricket Interviews”
Dennis Cometti: Let me guess; his first interview is with Safraz Nawaz after he took 7 for 2 in a Test Match at the ‘G.
Tony Leonard: Spot on, Dennis. How many times has Drew mentioned that one!
Peter Walsh: Just about every time he’s on air during the cricket!
Roger Wills: Almost as many times as you’ve worn a ridiculous shirt, Walshy!
Peter Walsh: You mean, about as often as you’ve had to ask the listeners what just happened COS YOU’VE GOT NO BLOOMIN’ IDEA!
Roger Wills: Ease up a bit, Walshy, you’re not calling the Melbourne to Warrnambool bike race now!
Peter Walsh: “HE’S CAUGHT AT FINE LEG...IS HE? NO, HE’S PLUMB LBW...OR IS HE BOWLED?”
Roger Wills: Shut up, idiot!
Peter Walsh: ”HE’S PUT IT RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE FOR A MUCH NEEDED GOAL. OH... IT’S OUT ON THE FULL, IS IT?”
Roger Wills: How about all the times listeners throw their radios out the window because you’ve just said – for the eighty fifth time – “the batsman plays the shot ... with no real power in the stroke,”
Walsh: “HE’S DONE A HAMSTRING, I THINK. NO IT’S A DISLOCATED SHOULDER.”
Wills: What about your stupid term for handpass? “Goes by way of hand.”
Everyone: SHUT UP, IDIOTS!
Bruce: By the way everyone,did you know that after that performance Safraz had to pose for two newspaper photos – one with a can of Fosters for the Aussie papers, and one without for the Pakistani papers?
Everyone: YES BRUCE! COS AS DREW ALWAYS TELLS US, THE PAKISTAN PLAYERS WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO DRINK ALCOHOL!
Bruce is then struck in the side of the head with Mark McLure’s left sock.
Suddenly a cheer breaks out as Gerard Whateley arrives, fresh from his triumphant appearance on Letters And Numbers.
Gerard: Hello everyone ... sssssss. What on earth was the problem with Drew Morphine? And why is Tony Shaw lying on the front lawn with a replica Olympic torch and two bumps on his head?
Bruce: Two bumps? You stopped to help him, didn’t you?
Gerard: Stopped to help Tony Shaw? I’d be disinclined to pass water on him if he was engulfed in flames!
Bruce: Fair enough, Gerard. So, how did you get on with Letters And Numbers?
Gerard: What, you didn’t watch the show?
Billy Brownless (with yet another mouthful of Belly Burster): Two words for ya, Gerard; BORE RING!
Gerard: Well, let me put it this way; I’ll be back next week!
Cheers ring out.
Dermott Brereton: What, you won?
Gerard: No, I lost. But they’ve asked me back to host the program. The last host was – how should I put it - just a trifle too “hip”.
Polite congratulations are directed Whateley’s way, only to be curtailed by a hellish, blood-curdling scream.
TO BE CONTINUED....
Part three, “Not a whole lotta love....for Drew”
With most of the guests having had their fill of pizza, Bruce slips a DVD into his player and makes an announcement.
Bruce: Could I have everyone’s attention for just a moment... could I? With this night being a celebration of our great friend Dwayne Russoow, I’ve had a speccccial DVD put together of some of his best calling, just to get us in the mood for when he arrives in about half an hour’s time.
He presses the “Play” button and, while many DVD players take a couple of seconds for the “Play” to initiate, this one comes on straight away.
Dennis Cometti: “Play’s” on immediately!
For the next few minutes the guests are subjected to a murderous overload of Dwayne’s most infamous and repetitive catchphrases. Agonised groans spread around the room as co-commentators squirm in the foetal position with blood trickling from their eardrums.
Realising this was probably not the best idea, Bruce moves to turn off the DVD. Danny Frawley however, being the only one actually enjoying the DVD, attempts to stop Bruce, but is struck on the side of the head by one of Mark McLure’s size 12’s, which he’d just hurled in the direction of the TV.
Miraculously, as Frawley falls to the floor unconscious, he knocks the power lead out of the wall.
“It’s a miracle!” cries Brian Taylor, doing his best impression of Dwayne, and is immediately struck down by McLure’s other boot.
Drew Muppett: (Wiping the blood from his ears.) Well, now that all that’s over, I’ve got something here I’m sure we can all enjoy.
He pulls a video cassette out of his vest, “Drew Morphett’s Great Interviews of the ‘80s and ‘90s.”
Drew: Bruce, would you happen to have a VCR handy?
Bruce: Gee Drew, haven’t used it for a while, but I think we still might have one out in the shed.
To the sighs of disappointment from every other guest, Bruce returns with a dusty VCR and hands it to Muppett.
Drew: Oh.... VHS. You don’t have Beta?
Bruce: No. Who did?
Everyone: Hooray! Another miracle!
Drew is mortified at the thought that people were genuinely happy NOT to watch his video.
Drew: Come on, guys. What are you trying to say? You don’t want to watch my interviews with some of the greats of the game? Players like Mick Turner, Gazza Ablett, Wow Jones, Sticks Kernahan...?
I know. You’re all jealous cos you didn’t share the same unique chemistry with those guys that I did!
Kevin Bartlett: Get outta here, Drew. They couldn’t stand you.
Drew: No... No... that’s not true.
Mike Sheahan: Yes it is, Drew. They used to call you “Drew Morphine”.
Drew: NNNO!!! They never! They called me “Drewy”. They called me “Morphetty”!
Billy Brownless: Wake up, Drew. Everyone hates you! Even current players call you “Drew More-pffft”.
Drew: No. They love me. They LOVE ME!
As laughter once again rings out, Drew runs from the house crying hysterically, As he races down the front path, a groggy Tony Shaw is shoved out of his way, and steps on a rake which springs up and whacks him in the forehead.
Meanwhile back inside;
Rex Hunt: Geez, I’d reckon Drew’s mood is as black as a dog’s guts!
Tony Leonard: Hey look, Drew dropped another video cassette on his way out. “Drew Morphett’s Greatest Cricket Interviews”
Dennis Cometti: Let me guess; his first interview is with Safraz Nawaz after he took 7 for 2 in a Test Match at the ‘G.
Tony Leonard: Spot on, Dennis. How many times has Drew mentioned that one!
Peter Walsh: Just about every time he’s on air during the cricket!
Roger Wills: Almost as many times as you’ve worn a ridiculous shirt, Walshy!
Peter Walsh: You mean, about as often as you’ve had to ask the listeners what just happened COS YOU’VE GOT NO BLOOMIN’ IDEA!
Roger Wills: Ease up a bit, Walshy, you’re not calling the Melbourne to Warrnambool bike race now!
Peter Walsh: “HE’S CAUGHT AT FINE LEG...IS HE? NO, HE’S PLUMB LBW...OR IS HE BOWLED?”
Roger Wills: Shut up, idiot!
Peter Walsh: ”HE’S PUT IT RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE FOR A MUCH NEEDED GOAL. OH... IT’S OUT ON THE FULL, IS IT?”
Roger Wills: How about all the times listeners throw their radios out the window because you’ve just said – for the eighty fifth time – “the batsman plays the shot ... with no real power in the stroke,”
Walsh: “HE’S DONE A HAMSTRING, I THINK. NO IT’S A DISLOCATED SHOULDER.”
Wills: What about your stupid term for handpass? “Goes by way of hand.”
Everyone: SHUT UP, IDIOTS!
Bruce: By the way everyone,did you know that after that performance Safraz had to pose for two newspaper photos – one with a can of Fosters for the Aussie papers, and one without for the Pakistani papers?
Everyone: YES BRUCE! COS AS DREW ALWAYS TELLS US, THE PAKISTAN PLAYERS WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO DRINK ALCOHOL!
Bruce is then struck in the side of the head with Mark McLure’s left sock.
Suddenly a cheer breaks out as Gerard Whateley arrives, fresh from his triumphant appearance on Letters And Numbers.
Gerard: Hello everyone ... sssssss. What on earth was the problem with Drew Morphine? And why is Tony Shaw lying on the front lawn with a replica Olympic torch and two bumps on his head?
Bruce: Two bumps? You stopped to help him, didn’t you?
Gerard: Stopped to help Tony Shaw? I’d be disinclined to pass water on him if he was engulfed in flames!
Bruce: Fair enough, Gerard. So, how did you get on with Letters And Numbers?
Gerard: What, you didn’t watch the show?
Billy Brownless (with yet another mouthful of Belly Burster): Two words for ya, Gerard; BORE RING!
Gerard: Well, let me put it this way; I’ll be back next week!
Cheers ring out.
Dermott Brereton: What, you won?
Gerard: No, I lost. But they’ve asked me back to host the program. The last host was – how should I put it - just a trifle too “hip”.
Polite congratulations are directed Whateley’s way, only to be curtailed by a hellish, blood-curdling scream.
TO BE CONTINUED....
