Kennedy Parker
🎨𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙🎨
- Moderator
- #1
It was originally planned that this Friday night Tom Derickx’s interview with Collingwood President Eddie McGuire would go to air on Channel 7 at half-time but after the Collingwood Football Club filed a complaint demanding that the recording of this interview be erased those plans were abandoned. However, the transcripts of this interview were leaked by an unknown source and the contents were as follows:
TD: G’day Eddie, we’ll start this off nice and easily. In what way is the Collingwood Football Club inferior to the Sydney Swans?
EM: ...Collingwood are not inferior to the Swans, we have nearing 80 000 members this year compared to the Swans who have less than 50 000, we have 15 premierships compared to the Swan’s 5, and we have no AFL assistance.
TD: Okay then, granted only two of those premierships came in the AFL era and our members have jobs and teeth, but I’m feeling generous so I’ll give that to you.
TD: Eddie there are some people out there who have the opinion that you are a fat, racist flog. Are you a fat, racist flog?
EM: ………………………………...
TD: Alright, if you don’t want to answer the question we’ll move on. Why are you so fixated on the Swans?
EM: Because they have an unfair advantage on the rest of the competition outside of the Northern States!
TD: Really? How so?
EM: Firstly, the academies! They just have to go! If the AFL is serious about equalisation then we simply must take away the Swans Academy before it destroys the game. These academies could churn out 500 father-son equivalents for the Swans every year and all of them will be superstars! How is that fair!?
TD: Considering that you can only fit 40 players on a list, you’d think 500 more superstars would be excellent for the game, there’s more than enough to go around and it’ll increase the overall quality of the league.
EM: Yes, but the Swans will take the best of them and leave the rest of us with the scraps. Collingwood have just as much right to be able to take the best player out of the academies as Sydney does. The Swans don’t need any more assistance, they’ve already abused COLA for years allowing them to be 9.8% better the other teams.
TD: Interesting you say that Eddie because back in 2009 you told The Daily Telegraph “I’ve been very strong in supporting the cost of living allowance.”
EM: I never said that.
TD: No, you did, I have it right here-
EM: I NEVER SAID THAT!
TD: Okay, whatever you say Eddie, but don’t you think it’s possible the Swans get these so called “advantage” because there are inherent disadvantages associated with being in a state where AFL isn’t the number one code?
EM: That’s ridiculous. The Swans have achieved so much success on the back of these unfair advantages. You know what? Without COLA they wouldn’t be able to recruit Franklin or Tippett or anyone else they need to win a premiership. They wouldn't be able to get Heeney without academies. The Swans would be anchored to the bottom of the ladder if they didn’t have these, everything they’ve achieved is on the back of these advantages they’ve been given.
TD: …………….Yes.
EM: Yes. *nods in agreement*
TD: Yeah.......that’s MY point.
Eddie blankly stared back at Tom.
TD: You said it yourself that without assistance, the Swans wouldn’t be able to compete with the Victorian clubs because there are inherent disadvantages associated with being a Northern Club, that’s why we need assistance to ensure a fair competition.
Eddie’s face tensed up and turned bright red, his hand shook as he brought it up to wipe his sweaty brow, and his lips quivered as he desperately protested...
EM: …………..But...but, but, but, but...COLA, 9.8%, 500 times Isaac Heeney per year, AFL assisted premierships...nnnnnnnnnngghgghghghgh!
TD: Ummm, Eddie? Are you okay?
EM: Aaaarrrrrrgggghghhhg! Lance Tippett!!! Grrrrrrqqqquewwww! Kurt Franklin!!! Upupupupupupu! BONDI BILLIONAIRES!!!
TD: I don’t understand what you’re saying Eddie.
EM: ACADEMIES, ACADEMIES, ACADEMIES, COLA, COLA, COLA, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, ADAM GOODES, JESSE WHITE, TONY ARMSTRONG, HEENEY, HEENEY, HEEEEENNNNNNEEEEYYY!!!!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!! GET STUFFED SYDNEY!!!
By now the producer was ready to signal to end the interview, it was apparent to everyone that Eddie had lost the plot, not that he had much of a plot to begin with but what little plot he had has now well and truly been lost.
TD: Alright then let’s wrap this up with one last question. Eddie what are your thoughts on the NSW Parliament labelling you a boofhead?
EM: ewfhhuewhfwehfiohfawhffhiehikcnckeiefjjafiojhdiwjfhewuihfaouwehfgho-
TD: Interview’s over, get stuffed McGuire.
As Tom was about to exit the room the producer asked him for a quick tip before Friday night’s game. Eddie remained in the background rambling incoherently to himself.
TD: Well Eddie said we were the better team by 9.8 so I guess that means…
SYDNEY BY 62
TD: G’day Eddie, we’ll start this off nice and easily. In what way is the Collingwood Football Club inferior to the Sydney Swans?
EM: ...Collingwood are not inferior to the Swans, we have nearing 80 000 members this year compared to the Swans who have less than 50 000, we have 15 premierships compared to the Swan’s 5, and we have no AFL assistance.
TD: Okay then, granted only two of those premierships came in the AFL era and our members have jobs and teeth, but I’m feeling generous so I’ll give that to you.
TD: Eddie there are some people out there who have the opinion that you are a fat, racist flog. Are you a fat, racist flog?
EM: ………………………………...
TD: Alright, if you don’t want to answer the question we’ll move on. Why are you so fixated on the Swans?
EM: Because they have an unfair advantage on the rest of the competition outside of the Northern States!
TD: Really? How so?
EM: Firstly, the academies! They just have to go! If the AFL is serious about equalisation then we simply must take away the Swans Academy before it destroys the game. These academies could churn out 500 father-son equivalents for the Swans every year and all of them will be superstars! How is that fair!?
TD: Considering that you can only fit 40 players on a list, you’d think 500 more superstars would be excellent for the game, there’s more than enough to go around and it’ll increase the overall quality of the league.
EM: Yes, but the Swans will take the best of them and leave the rest of us with the scraps. Collingwood have just as much right to be able to take the best player out of the academies as Sydney does. The Swans don’t need any more assistance, they’ve already abused COLA for years allowing them to be 9.8% better the other teams.
TD: Interesting you say that Eddie because back in 2009 you told The Daily Telegraph “I’ve been very strong in supporting the cost of living allowance.”
EM: I never said that.
TD: No, you did, I have it right here-
EM: I NEVER SAID THAT!
TD: Okay, whatever you say Eddie, but don’t you think it’s possible the Swans get these so called “advantage” because there are inherent disadvantages associated with being in a state where AFL isn’t the number one code?
EM: That’s ridiculous. The Swans have achieved so much success on the back of these unfair advantages. You know what? Without COLA they wouldn’t be able to recruit Franklin or Tippett or anyone else they need to win a premiership. They wouldn't be able to get Heeney without academies. The Swans would be anchored to the bottom of the ladder if they didn’t have these, everything they’ve achieved is on the back of these advantages they’ve been given.
TD: …………….Yes.
EM: Yes. *nods in agreement*
TD: Yeah.......that’s MY point.
Eddie blankly stared back at Tom.
TD: You said it yourself that without assistance, the Swans wouldn’t be able to compete with the Victorian clubs because there are inherent disadvantages associated with being a Northern Club, that’s why we need assistance to ensure a fair competition.
Eddie’s face tensed up and turned bright red, his hand shook as he brought it up to wipe his sweaty brow, and his lips quivered as he desperately protested...
EM: …………..But...but, but, but, but...COLA, 9.8%, 500 times Isaac Heeney per year, AFL assisted premierships...nnnnnnnnnngghgghghghgh!
TD: Ummm, Eddie? Are you okay?
EM: Aaaarrrrrrgggghghhhg! Lance Tippett!!! Grrrrrrqqqquewwww! Kurt Franklin!!! Upupupupupupu! BONDI BILLIONAIRES!!!
TD: I don’t understand what you’re saying Eddie.
EM: ACADEMIES, ACADEMIES, ACADEMIES, COLA, COLA, COLA, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, 9.8%, ADAM GOODES, JESSE WHITE, TONY ARMSTRONG, HEENEY, HEENEY, HEEEEENNNNNNEEEEYYY!!!!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!! GET STUFFED SYDNEY!!!
By now the producer was ready to signal to end the interview, it was apparent to everyone that Eddie had lost the plot, not that he had much of a plot to begin with but what little plot he had has now well and truly been lost.
TD: Alright then let’s wrap this up with one last question. Eddie what are your thoughts on the NSW Parliament labelling you a boofhead?
EM: ewfhhuewhfwehfiohfawhffhiehikcnckeiefjjafiojhdiwjfhewuihfaouwehfgho-
TD: Interview’s over, get stuffed McGuire.
As Tom was about to exit the room the producer asked him for a quick tip before Friday night’s game. Eddie remained in the background rambling incoherently to himself.
TD: Well Eddie said we were the better team by 9.8 so I guess that means…
SYDNEY BY 62
