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The Humour Thread
- Thread starter tesla1962
- Start date
- Tagged users None
Halorad
The GOAT
what do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
An impasta
Halorad
The GOAT
mr black is my fave
- Sep 28, 2007
- 19,765
- 20,694
- AFL Club
- Essendon
I think there is a link I am missing there.
Who are the simpsons merged with?
Who are the simpsons merged with?
eth-dog
Tier 1 WW Player
Pokemon. Magmar, Poliwrath, Lidoking, Hitmonlee, Beedrill, Mr. Mime.
- Jan 17, 2016
- 1,887
- 6,099
- AFL Club
- Essendon
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.
"85 pounds for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.
"Och! Have ye nay got anything cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"That's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.
"What aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for 70 pounds" said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40", said the dentist.
"Och, that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have a student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only 5 pounds in that case, but it will be an excruciating experience" said the dentist.
"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman ... "Can ye book me wife for next Tuesday?
"85 pounds for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.
"Och! Have ye nay got anything cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"That's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.
"What aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for 70 pounds" said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40", said the dentist.
"Och, that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have a student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only 5 pounds in that case, but it will be an excruciating experience" said the dentist.
"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman ... "Can ye book me wife for next Tuesday?
Anyone want to try a funny caption for this?
- Jan 17, 2016
- 1,887
- 6,099
- AFL Club
- Essendon
Hartly: "Check out this piano app on my phone"
Langford: "Anyone touches my stuff, and I'll kill ya."
Langford: "Anyone touches my stuff, and I'll kill ya."
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Jade
Smug lives here.
- Jul 8, 2008
- 34,604
- 53,547
- AFL Club
- Essendon
I've watched this a half dozen times today and have been damn near in tears each time...
Yeah saw that a couple of weeks ago and it's a ripper.
i have this vivid recollection of being a kid at my wog familys house, there would be like 50 people all in the lounge room crying from laughter
on the tv was this panel type set up with the entire room laughing so loud the speakers were muffled.
I came across it the other day - the dean martin roasts - Don Rickles has the entire room in the palm of his hand! no notes, just adlib
its a freaking time capsule of the late 70s - all of it! the smoking, the tinted glasses inside, the big hair, the casual racisim
so many icons sitting there - dean martin pissed as a mute eyes cant even open, frank sinatra, george burns, orson welles, peter falk, ronald regan, he looks like his carictature mask ... loads of full on childhood memories looking back at me, its an overload,
how would it be, being ruckles, having the entire room and all those people crying from your schtick... he gets on such a roll
Clearly he invented the thing that every single comic does now at award nights, trying to grill the room - but he did it without being too grotesque.
thoughts?
(mind the offence, its of its time)
on the tv was this panel type set up with the entire room laughing so loud the speakers were muffled.
I came across it the other day - the dean martin roasts - Don Rickles has the entire room in the palm of his hand! no notes, just adlib
its a freaking time capsule of the late 70s - all of it! the smoking, the tinted glasses inside, the big hair, the casual racisim
so many icons sitting there - dean martin pissed as a mute eyes cant even open, frank sinatra, george burns, orson welles, peter falk, ronald regan, he looks like his carictature mask ... loads of full on childhood memories looking back at me, its an overload,
how would it be, being ruckles, having the entire room and all those people crying from your schtick... he gets on such a roll
Clearly he invented the thing that every single comic does now at award nights, trying to grill the room - but he did it without being too grotesque.
thoughts?
(mind the offence, its of its time)
Don Rickles was a goddam comedy legend and wasn't given anywhere near the respect he deserved.
Mercurial89
Brownlow Medallist
A man awakes in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."
So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.
The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."
If life gives you melons, you probably have dyslexia
More Dad jokes...
What do you call a Frenchman wearing thongs? Philippe Phlop
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
I brought my friend an elephant for his room. He said thanks - I said don't mention it.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing thongs? Philippe Phlop
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
I brought my friend an elephant for his room. He said thanks - I said don't mention it.
Last edited:
Mercurial89
Brownlow Medallist
This is me
- Sep 28, 2007
- 19,765
- 20,694
- AFL Club
- Essendon
Mate said to me "what rhymes with orange",
I said "No it doesn't."
I said "No it doesn't."
