Really Bad Jokes

Remove this Banner Ad

A plane was flying over a jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
 
This isn't so much a bad joke, but an absolute cracker. Had me laughing for a whole day!

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that??????



The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"
 

Log in to remove this ad.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."



A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
 
Whats green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A. A pool table

^^ Thats my personal favorite bad joke. :p What about lame yo mumma jokes?

Your mums so fat they painted the ferris wheel green.
 
Did you know an under achieving BULLDOGS COACH also tried out unsuccessfully as an astronaut ?


Ergo the expression ...... 'As popular as a Royce Hart in a spacesuit.'
 
i think this one is quite cool.....

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
 
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma
of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me
in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said......... "What's for dinner?"
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

Q: Why did the toilet cross the road

A: Because it was pissed off

(Hold For Applause)
 
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : 'My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : 'I know...'
First Woman : 'How?' Second Woman : 'My dog told me.'

--

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

---

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

---
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
Q. Where did the kittens go on a class trip?
A. To the meow-seum.

Q. What did one plate say to the other?
A. Lunch is on me.

Q. What did the football say to the football player?
A. I get a kick out of you.

Q. Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
A. He wanted to go bear foot.
 
An 80 year old lady was arrested for shop lifting. When she went to court, the Judge asked her what she stole. The 80 year old lady told the judge that she stole a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she stole the peaches and she told him that she was hungry. The judge asked how many peaches were in the can and she told him 6. The judge then said I've got a good mind to put you in jail for 6 days. The 80 year old lady sat there sobbing when her husband asked if he could say something. The judge said what would you like to say and the husband said "She also stole a can of peas.":p
 
I thought this was pretty funny - Robert Walls to Caro in the prematch yesterday [after Melbourne beat the Crows]:

"This week Melbourne decided they were going to draw a line in the SNOW"

:p :p
 
Fossie 32 said:
I thought this was pretty funny - Robert Walls to Caro in the prematch yesterday [after Melbourne beat the Crows]:

"This week Melbourne decided they were going to draw a line in the SNOW"

:p :p
Click to expand...


He stole that from Tim Lane, who said it during the game on Saturday.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Remove this Banner Ad

Back
Top