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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
 
What's the skin between the anus and vagina called?





Chinrest.
 
The World Health Organization decided to go back to the previous virus naming conventions and name them after the country of origin by naming the new Covid variant the Botswana Variant. They changed their decision however when Botswana threatened to rename the country, Xi.
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. While she watched in mounting horror she recognised Sam Newman amongst the group. The ball hit Sam and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to Sam, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” Sam replied.
It was obvious that Sam was in agony. He was lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
The woman urged him to let her help him, so at her insistence, he finally agreed to her help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for a couple of minutes and then asked, “How does that feel”?
Sam replied, “Well…..., that really feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”
 
A young girl takes a pregnancy test, which unfortunately shopws a positive result. She tells her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.”

“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $4,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”

“If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You f*ck her again.”
 

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Wallaby said:
A young girl takes a pregnancy test, which unfortunately shopws a positive result. She tells her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.”

“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $4,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”

“If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You f*ck her again.”
Click to expand...

This joke and the "You build all the ships in the village but do they call you Con the ship builder?...but you root one goat" joke are two that if someone is telling the joke, even though you know the joke, you still wait for the punchline and still giggle
 
A man stumbles across a Pirate with a wooden leg, hook and eye patch.
"Been in the wars have you mate?
"Yep. A shark bit my leg off, a cannon shot my arm off and a bird s**t it my eye"
THe man is stunned. That's bad but how did bird s**t take your eye out?
"Aye it was my first day with the hook and i wasn't used to it.
 
Wallaby said:
If you like jokes where you can chant along with the punchline - this is the classic sketch.

Click to expand...

I'm not sure David Mitchell has ever failed to make me laugh. He's brilliant
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. My wife even called up Mary, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the damn jar open."
 
Mofra said:
I'm not sure David Mitchell has ever failed to make me laugh. He's brilliant
Click to expand...
The episode of "Would I lie To You" where he appears with his wife and tells everyone that when he is annoyed with his wife he secretly moves her bookmarks, is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. He is wonderfully funny!
 
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CliffMcTainshaw said:
The episode of "Would I lie To You" where he appears with his wife and tells everyone that when he is annoyed with his wife he secretly moves her bookmarks, is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. He is wonderfully funny!
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My daughter couldn't work out why I suddenly got excited when watching an episode of Peppa Pig. Picked Panda straight away as David Mitchell.

That episode of WILTY where he goes on a rant about killing fish is sublime.
 
spenze said:
The wife suggested we should "role play" so we decided on playing doctors and nurses in the bedroom last night but it didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese
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It gets worse when she says "stay home, I'm going to see a specialist"
 
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