Lame Jokes about the AFL
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TigerAntho
Senior List
What happens when richmond drops players?
They go to the trash
They go to the trash
TigerAntho
Senior List
How many teeth a Collingwood supporter have?
None
None
These are so bad that they're almost good.
Carlton Football Club.
A Carlton Supporter's Dilemma
Answer on your honour and dignity as a Carlton supporter - what would you do in the following circumstance?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Victoria, just outside of Seymour, to be exact...There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
You are a Herald Sun photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. Nature is showing all it's destroying power and is ripping everything away.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's Eddie McGuire!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of Eddie, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of Australia's most powerful men.
Now here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Answer - Colour of course! - Nothing in black and white ever wins anything!
Answer on your honour and dignity as a Carlton supporter - what would you do in the following circumstance?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Victoria, just outside of Seymour, to be exact...There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
You are a Herald Sun photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. Nature is showing all it's destroying power and is ripping everything away.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's Eddie McGuire!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of Eddie, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of Australia's most powerful men.
Now here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Answer - Colour of course! - Nothing in black and white ever wins anything!
- May 9, 2002
- 16,147
- 126
- AFL Club
- Brisbane Lions
- Other Teams
- North Adelaide Roosters
Collingwood dont know how to read or write but they sure know how to draw
Bound 4 september
Senior List
Q. What do you do for a drowning St Kilda player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
Q. What's the difference between Essendon and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
Fremantle are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and no CUP!!!
Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Fremantle jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Carlton players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Adam Mcphee".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. What do you have when 100 Essendon fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Fremantle fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Port fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Port fan - twice.
Q. What's the difference between a female Essendon fan and a Pit bull?
A. Lipstick
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Carlton fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q. What do Port Fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What is the difference between a Collingwood Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q. What do you call 5000 dead Carlton Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
A Essendon fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Essendon jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a Tigers scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Essendon fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard. No Essendon fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Essendon supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke In the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now get lost."
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
Q. What's the difference between Essendon and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
Fremantle are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and no CUP!!!
Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Fremantle jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Carlton players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Adam Mcphee".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. What do you have when 100 Essendon fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Fremantle fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Port fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Port fan - twice.
Q. What's the difference between a female Essendon fan and a Pit bull?
A. Lipstick
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Carlton fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q. What do Port Fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What is the difference between a Collingwood Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q. What do you call 5000 dead Carlton Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
A Essendon fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Essendon jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a Tigers scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Essendon fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard. No Essendon fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Essendon supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke In the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now get lost."
- Banned
- #12
3 mates were trying to decide which bar to visit on the upcoming weekend.
The North Melbourne supporter says, "I'm pretty well known at my regular place. I'll buy 2 or three pints, and then the bartender will throw one in for free."
The Carlton supporter says, "I usually go to the pub down my street. The bartender free-pours, and I tip well, and every time I order a whisky, he pours me a double, but charges me for a single."
The Essendon supporter says, "There's this bar downtown. You never have to pay a cent for the booze, and you can drink anything you want. They'll give you a joint, and let you smoke it in the beer fridge, then at the end of the night, they'll bring you into the manager's office, where you can have all the sex you can handle, with multiple partners at the same time, if you want."
"No way!" protest the other two guys. "There's no bar like that on the face of the earth."
"Yes there is. I've never been there myself, but my sister was telling me about it just last week."
The North Melbourne supporter says, "I'm pretty well known at my regular place. I'll buy 2 or three pints, and then the bartender will throw one in for free."
The Carlton supporter says, "I usually go to the pub down my street. The bartender free-pours, and I tip well, and every time I order a whisky, he pours me a double, but charges me for a single."
The Essendon supporter says, "There's this bar downtown. You never have to pay a cent for the booze, and you can drink anything you want. They'll give you a joint, and let you smoke it in the beer fridge, then at the end of the night, they'll bring you into the manager's office, where you can have all the sex you can handle, with multiple partners at the same time, if you want."
"No way!" protest the other two guys. "There's no bar like that on the face of the earth."
"Yes there is. I've never been there myself, but my sister was telling me about it just last week."
- Banned
- #13
What do Essendon players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Drop them back off to Geelong to be with there boyfriends
What do St Kilda players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Help them study for there VCE
What do Fremantle players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Ask if they can feel he rcup
What do Richmond players do with there girlfriends before sex?
Spit on her
What do North Melbourne players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Ask her for a loan
What do Carlton players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Nothing, hes gotta finish coming
What do Collingwood players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Ask her if she wants to have sex
What does Jason Akermanis do before having anal?
Make sure he stops dribbling s**t
Drop them back off to Geelong to be with there boyfriends
What do St Kilda players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Help them study for there VCE
What do Fremantle players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Ask if they can feel he rcup
What do Richmond players do with there girlfriends before sex?
Spit on her
What do North Melbourne players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Ask her for a loan
What do Carlton players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Nothing, hes gotta finish coming
What do Collingwood players do with there girlfriends after sex?
Ask her if she wants to have sex
What does Jason Akermanis do before having anal?
Make sure he stops dribbling s**t
Whats the difference between a Collingwood fan and a prisoner?
One of them is surrounded by the lowest, filthiest most violent form of human being in this country and the other one is in jail
Whats the difference between Cale Morton and a ballerina?
One of them performs a non contact routine displaying there feminime charm with a array of jumps and dances and the other one doesnt play for Melbourne
What do North Melbourne and the Salvation Army have in common?
They are both non-profit organisations
One of them is surrounded by the lowest, filthiest most violent form of human being in this country and the other one is in jail
Whats the difference between Cale Morton and a ballerina?
One of them performs a non contact routine displaying there feminime charm with a array of jumps and dances and the other one doesnt play for Melbourne
What do North Melbourne and the Salvation Army have in common?
They are both non-profit organisations
Best one yet
- Banned
- #17
What is Nick Riewoldts favorite wrestling/sexual manoeuvre?
Small package
Subway will now be selling there rolls in 3 sizes : Footlong, 6 inch and the new size the Dal Santo. Unlike the other bread its alot softer and alot smaller than it should be
Small package
Subway will now be selling there rolls in 3 sizes : Footlong, 6 inch and the new size the Dal Santo. Unlike the other bread its alot softer and alot smaller than it should be
winty
Moderator
- Moderator
- #19
Nick Riewoldt, Sam Gilbert and Nick Dal Santo were at the Melbourne Cup. None of them were successful on the punt, and by the end of the day, they had 50 cents between them. They decided to pool their money together and bet on the last race, but couldn't decide which horse to back, so Gilbert decided they should measure their manhood, tally it up and put the 50 cents on the corresponding horse.
Two minutes later, they emerged from the toilets, put their money on horse 12, which was a 100/1 outsider, and to their surprise it bolted home, winning by 3 lengths. They then argued how they were going to split the money.
"Well, my manhood was six inches long, so I should get half" said Gilbert.
"My manhood was four inches long, so I should get a third" said Riewoldt.
"That's not fair!" says Dal Santo, "If I wasn't aroused at the time, we'd have backed Number 11!"
Two minutes later, they emerged from the toilets, put their money on horse 12, which was a 100/1 outsider, and to their surprise it bolted home, winning by 3 lengths. They then argued how they were going to split the money.
"Well, my manhood was six inches long, so I should get half" said Gilbert.
"My manhood was four inches long, so I should get a third" said Riewoldt.
"That's not fair!" says Dal Santo, "If I wasn't aroused at the time, we'd have backed Number 11!"
NAUGHT5
Club Legend
- Sep 29, 2008
- 2,875
- 81
- AFL Club
- Carlton
- Other Teams
- Arsenal, Phillies, Bulls
What do you call an attractive woman walking down the street with a Collingwood supporter?
A hostage.
to the North Melbourne & Salvation Army one.
A hostage.
to the North Melbourne & Salvation Army one.
Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one of the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with picked up a stick and started to bash the dog with it. In the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed it.
A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy "That was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."
So the lady started to think of a headline....
"Carlton supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack".
"No," said the boy "I am not a Carlton supporter."
"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack".
"No," said the boy "I am not an Essendon supporter either."
So the news reporter asked who he barracked for and he said "Collingwood."
The next day's headline was "Lowlife Maims Family Dog"
A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy "That was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."
So the lady started to think of a headline....
"Carlton supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack".
"No," said the boy "I am not a Carlton supporter."
"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack".
"No," said the boy "I am not an Essendon supporter either."
So the news reporter asked who he barracked for and he said "Collingwood."
The next day's headline was "Lowlife Maims Family Dog"
