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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother,

'Don't eat it! It's an a-hole!!!'
 

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Here's an age-ist joke- just to break up the racist jokes ;)

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink with him in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "how many have you caught?"

"You're the eighth."
 
Top thread TC. 1st time on it so I'll do a lame one.

Shetland Pony walks into a bar and starts coughing. Barman says "You gotta sore throat mate"
Pony replies "Nah just a little hoarse"
 
Spazz Cat said:
Top thread TC. 1st time on it so I'll do a lame one.

Shetland Pony walks into a bar and starts coughing. Barman says "You gotta sore throat mate"
Pony replies "Nah just a little hoarse"
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Haha! Lame? Neigh... it's a good start. :)

I hope you've enjoyed reading through the assortment of jokes, Spazz. (Is it politically correct for me to call you that? ;))
It'd be great if you can post some more. I forget to add to it at times. :(
 
Teriyakicat said:
Haha! Lame? Neigh... it's a good start. :)

I hope you've enjoyed reading through the assortment of jokes, Spazz. (Is it politically correct for me to call you that? ;))
It'd be great if you can post some more. I forget to add to it at times. :(
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I think we prefer "sensibly challenged" now Teriyakicat.

For the test series.

An Aussie is driving around and sees a Kiwi having sex with a sheep on the side of the road.
Aussie yells at him "Hey mate in Australia we just shear them"
Kiwi replies "Piss off. I ain't shearing him with no one bro"
 
Spazz Cat said:
I think we prefer "sensibly challenged" now Teriyakicat.

For the test series

An Aussie is driving around and sees a Kiwi having sex with a sheep on the side of the road.
Aussie yells at him "Hey mate in Australia we just shear them"
Kiwi replies "Piss off. I ain't shearing him with no one bro"
Click to expand...
Haha- great idea!!

Here's my contribution:

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
 
Teriyakicat said:
Haha- great idea!!

Here's my contribution:

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Click to expand...
Hahahaha. That's Gold.
Another one

Kiwi walks into his girlfriends house with a sheep under his arm and says "Look. This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"
His girlfriend goes "That's not a pig, it's a sheep you idiot!"
Kiwi yells back "Shut up women. I wasn't talking to you"
 
Spazz Cat said:
Prob the wrong person to ask TC. I laugh at anything if I think it's funny, including myself most of the time.
Click to expand...
I think most of us do, Spazz. Some are just precious, though, unfortunately.

Anyway, here's another Aussie-Kiwi joke for you. NSFB might also like this and the jokes above. Also TurtleBots. :)

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to watch an Aussie-Kiwi cricket test match. At the station, each of the three Kiwis buy tickets and watch as the three Aussies buy just a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one Kiwi.

“Watch us,” answers one of the Aussies.

All six board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats, but all three Aussies cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens, just enough for a single arm to emerge with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it’s quite a clever idea.

So, after the cricket match, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money as they were disappointed that they had wasted their money seeing their team lose to Australia.

When they get to the station, the Kiwis buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all!

“How are you guys going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed Kiwi.

“Watch us,” answers one of the Aussies.

When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into the toilet and the three Aussies cram into an adjacent toilet.

The train leaves the station. Shortly afterward, one of the Aussies leaves his toilet and walks over to the adjacent toilet where the Kiwis are crammed up. The Aussie knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please!”
 
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After an hour of wrestling with my mum’s huge dog, trying to get his new collar on, I called out to her.

"Mum! You'll have to come and help me put his collar on, he won't sit still!"

"I'M BUSY! PUT IT ON YOURSELF!" came the reply.

I must say, that was a lot easier but now I look ridiculous.
 

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A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had
reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question
correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly,
she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she
suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.


It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other
birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had
used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All
that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would
not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she
had no alternative.


She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is
C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any
answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the
logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude,
that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is... absolutely correct ! You
are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.

'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'


Sally fainted
 
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes..

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer
mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the
putt?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,
"Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks theputt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I
could get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers,
"Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life
to make an eagle?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly,
he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his
side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the
rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he
makes the eagle - and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along
beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you
really
will have no sex life at all."

Wait for it ......

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
 
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Teriyakicat said:
lol
Wish I could do that!! :)
I bet it'd be so repulsive, though, that I'd choke on it!! :D


Hmmm- did that say "WHATever" or "WHOever"?? :p
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We'd get listeria + e coli just to start! Non-stop barfing, runs etc! :eek:
 
Hell Kitty said:
View attachment 194328
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:thumbsu: :D:D

My laptop broke and I tried to make real friends using Facebook rules.

In the street, I tell others what I've eaten, how I'm feeling, what I did last night; I give them pictures of me, listen to their conversations, tell them I like them, and give them my views whether they interest them or not.

It works. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker and psychiatrist.
 
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
 
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
 
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