Family & Relationships how to socialise...more ?

[alter_ego]

I'm 21. I don't drink. I don't listen to much music. (These two things seem to be the great equaliser that almost everyone in society relates to)
I'm not religious (I imagine most people who don't drink or listen to much music are religious)

I had 1 non-family member go to my 21st. Went skydiving.

I am the 0.0001%

The only thing I had in the past was sport. But every sports club I've joined basically revolves around the pub. It gets pretty uncomfortable being the only non-drinking member of a large group of people...

So I ask a question

Do I take up drinking ? I can't say it interests me in the slightest, and I hate being around drunk people...

Alternatively, I graduate from uni in a year. Do I just not fit in with Aussie society and should just move someplace else ?

Any other alternatives ?

 

[WCErevival]

Have you ever tried drinking? I'm not saying you should go and get all out drunk or anything but Australia does seem to revolve around alcohol as a social thing. Anyone who is sober doesnt like being around drunk people. It changes when you have had a couple though.

In saying that you dont have to drink to have fun. Its just about finding people that have similar interests to you. Whether its joining another sports club or hobby group, meeting people through uni or work.

 

[checkraiseulite]

Why don't you drink?

To me it seems like you may be a little uptight generally and this is why you struggle in social situations (you may not like not being in complete control of everything 100% of the time).

My advice would be to loosen up a little bit at a time and see how you go. It is very daunting to put yourself out there in social situations (drinking or not drinking), but it gets easier the more you do it.

 

[Dan Moody]

Why don't you drink? Moreso why would you drink?
Good on you for realizing that alcohol consumption isn't the be all and end all.
You're only 21 (don't you hate people saying that) so you still have plenty of time to establish yourself in the world. When I look back at when I was 21, there are only 2 or 3 people at most I still socialize with (infrequently) that I knew back then. The pub/club lifestyle (and I used to be out EVERY Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night for a period of about 3 years) comes and goes very quickly in your life and leaves you with some memories but ultimately more out of pocket than you expect.
I've found the best friends and social life I've had revolved around sporting clubs I've been involved with. You develop friendships with people that have a genuine mutual interest with, not some artificial social situation like a nightclub.
I'm involved with a few sporting clubs now myself, I'm not a huge drinker but still find some great common interests with people outside of these environments.
As far as friends go, you'll find people will gravitate to you and vice versa if you are genuinely yourself. I've seen the most unlikely pairing up of people when you swear that there's nobody out there that would be compatible. On the other hand, the biggest social butterflies that I went to school with, most still seem to be single or divorced and think they're back in the late 80's early 90's going out to nightclubs. Yes, they're the same sorts of people we used to look at when we were back in our teens, laughing because they looked so old in a young persons nightclub!
Sorry for the long post, don't start drinking just to fit in (I used to be one of the biggest pissheads amongst my group at the same age), you'll get a lot further ahead if you be yourself and not someone else's version of you.

 

[Caesar]

Join clubs and stuff, do activities.

Take up a sport you played when you were younger (even better if it's one that has mixed competitions). Touch rugby, running clubs, orienteering, tennis, basketball - the list goes on. Plenty of people play them weeknights to keep fit. It tends to mostly be the traditional 'blokey' weekend sports (i.e. football codes and cricket) that revolve around the postmatch trip to the pub, so branch out. If you don't like sport then there's other stuff. Toastmasters, bushwalking, Lions Clubs, Chambers of Commerce, night classes at the WEA, Landcare, chess, cooking classes... whatever floats your boat.

Some stuff is full of old people but you just have to scope out the demographics first. An activity gives you the excuse/opportunity to see people every week and slowly build up a rapport with them. Even better, you have a common interest to work with. I've made quite a few mates after playing against them in a tennis competition, having a good match, and then one or the other of us suggesting we catch up for a social hit/practice another time. Once you start seeing someone outside the scheduled activity then the relationship just builds from there.

On drinking - it's by no means essential but if you don't have a particularly vehement objection to it, then I'd recommend at least becoming flexible on the matter. You don't have to drink to get tipsy/drunk in order to take advantage / be part of the social ritual of drinking. There's few easier ways to break the ice with an Australian male (or group of them) than by having a beer together. Sipping on a lemon squash just isn't the same. Silly/irrational perhaps, but that's the way it is.

 

[freddy mercury]

Join a footy club or cricket club.

Bloke joined our cricket club probably two years ago didn't have many mates like you didn't drink much as well but after a few weeks he was one of us and today is one of our best mates. Join a sporting club meet people there then meet their mates and so on so forth. Easy.

 

[alter_ego]

Well had tried cricket and basketball, albeit acouple of years ago. Didn't really work out though, mostly cos outside of that specific sport the party lifestyle seemed the only thing those guys really had going on...Maybe I just got unlucky though.

Will try something that's played on weeknights though. That actually makes a lot of sense now that I think about it.

 

[tb_fanboy]

Why would you care about the party thing? Skydiving with 1 or 2 actual friends seems way more appealing to me for a 21st than inventing people that you "just know" and getting drunk etc. Doing something extreme is a good idea for 21st, I.e swim with sharks, skydive and so on.

 

[Pepziteric]

Just give up on people altogether
Moving away won't help
Only alternative is drinking and it will make people seem fun to be around

 

[Piss Poor]

Don't worry about it, people are over-rated.


Why don't you play the play station and make friends on call of duty, or better yet, World of Warcraft or stay here on Bigfooty.
In a strange sort of way, all of us here on Bigfooty are family.

Want to get drunk, then get drunk on Big footy with us.

PS:That's is about the best dam inspirational speech I have ever made.

 

[Mooster7]

I socialize all day and every day. I open doors for people. I joke with people when I'm standing in que to buy stuff. I talk to old women when I'm shopping for vegetables. I talk to pretty women. This comes smoothly and naturally by simply talking to people all day. And I'm not suspect to the pretty girls because they just heard me talking friendly to some old bitch about spinach and kumquats.

Here's a trick; volunteer to do some volunteer work. Not only are you doing some good, but there are always pretty girls doing volunteer work, and you'll meet them. They'll mistakenly believe that you're a good person too. Pick them up and ruin their perception of humanity.

...and other hobbies.

 

[bunsen burner]

if you want to hang out you have to take her out

 

[cats2rise]

Its stupid that people think you have to drink to socialize in Australia.

You can still go down the pub and have a coke. No-one cares... and if they quiz you about it, they are dicks anyway.

Summer is always a good time - its pretty easy to organise a simple bbq on a nice weekend and invite a few people over.

 

[bunsen burner]

Its stupid that people think you have to drink to socialize in Australia.

This is pretty much the reality.

I drink socially. No problem if a mate is not drinking because he might be driving, has to work the next day etc, but I have no interest in being a friend with someone who is a non drinker.

Not because I have some issue with people who choose not to drink (i don't), or i think they're a prick for being teetotal (i don't), but simply because my favourite drug is alcohol. If i'm going to have a "we hang out on weekends sort of relationship" then drinking for a fair proportion of those relations is pretty much mandatory.

If you're teetotal, good for you. Just go find someone else to be your mate.

Summer is always a good time - its pretty easy to organise a simple bbq on a nice weekend and invite a few people over.

You mean a BBQ without alcohol? No thanks.

 

[rocker_oz33]

I'm not a huge social person and dont drink much anymore l might have one or after cricket.and afew same at social events.l just dont enjoy it as much as l used to even though some of the best times l've had have been on the sauce.almost all my teammates at cricket are big drinkers and love a bet l get on with most of them.

l have joined 4 clubs one footy and 3 cricket clubs l did not know anyone at 2 of the clubs.l know it hard to join new clubs and get a good go at either batting or bowling or playing in a playing a good spot at footy.most clubs will love good players and they come stright in and opening the betting etc. l found that dont think of your self so much and encouraging others helps.also help out with some things around the club not on your own but if they have a working bee or something like that people will see you more and get to know your name and stuff.

 

[Silent Alarm]

I wouldn't worry about not drinking. I respect those who don't feel the need, nor want, to get hammered all the time. As long as you don't preach elitism about your dislike for alcohol, I think most people will respect you. If someone can't get past another's taste for alcohol, they're probably not open minded people. Don't stress.

As for music, I am someone who is hugely interested in it. I mean, I get paid to write about music (not a lot, but it's some helpful pocket money). Yet I've not ever started a conversation with "have you heard Animal Collective are back in the studio?". I've never met a friend purely based on musical love. You don't like every Port fan? And do you make friends through your support? It's just like that. There are plenty of things that bind relationships.

The thing is, a drinking culture will exist in a lot of countries. You can be disheartened by Aussie culture. I've felt the same. We all question if we belong. It's totally normal. But will moving give you a new lease on life? Maybe it will, and if so, move abroad will you can. Live in England or America while you actually can.

I'd suggest, like others have, that getting into sports is a perfect way to make friends. Someone suggested a weekday thing. You'll probably find that a lot of people your age are more interested in that, as they can reserve the weekend for other things. Going down to a leisure centre and enquiring about indoor soccer might help. Of course, there are other sports, so you have plenty of options. There's no reason to be nervous or sheepish (though even the most confident people would be). If you're in a team, everyone knows you're there for a reason: The side was searching for someone, and you'll be on good terms as you're helping them out; or, everyone is a stranger. You are not intruding. Don't be cocky or abrasive. But be vocal. Let your thoughts be heard. If you're all sitting around talking about who's on the bench, say "I'll be the impact sub this week, but I'm starting every other game". Things like that will show humility, but also strength in that you're not a doormat. Being light hearted is always a help. If that situation doesn't arise, ask someone to swap positions. Hey, you might of liked playing up front and hate being in goal, it's just a way to have a bit of conversation.

Do Port fans have meet-ups before games? Maybe you'd be interested in something like that. Meeting before a game will ensue that most people won't actually get drunk. If they have a beer or two, you're not under any pressure. Just say you don't enjoy drinking. It might be awkward, but any internet meet-up will be. It's just an option. If it works out, you'll always have a meeting place – firing off a "going to AAMI today?" might work out. Don't look needy and text the same bloke all the time, but show an interest.

You'll have a common interest. And basically, you're forced into a position of sociability. And of course, the fitness will always help to improve your mental and physical well being. It is all cliche, but it's true.

I hope this isn't coming across as condescending. I sympathise with you. My position is not unlike yours. Uni starts in a few weeks, and I'm just out of high school, with a totally clean slate after just growing out of old friendships.

Realise that every city will have your 'kind' and people you like. The more you get out, the better you'll feel. Don't feel disheartened or like a loner. You're not in the absolute minority. So many people feel like this. How many of the great minds had social issues (and I use that term loosely, by the way) and yet wrote valid books, beautiful stories, and created scientific and philosophic expression that changed society? Don't be ashamed, and don't concede defeat. You're 21. You are out of university. They say youth is wasted on the young. Don't do that. An abundance in this world envy your position – youth, an ability to do what you want, and residence in an opportunistic and free country.

Good luck, man.

 

[JimDocker]

Excellent post Silent Alarm.

The drinking is an interesting one. I enjoy almost every variety of alcohol, but I very rarely drink to excess.

My best mate who I have been friends with since grade 4, 36 years ago does not drink. We go and catch up at a cafe most times that we go out and I have a wine or beer or coffee while he has Earl Grey tea with honey in it.

It has not stopped him being one of the most social people that I know.

To the OP, it sounds like you are a bit shy and do not start up conversations with strangers? If that is the case, then you have to put yourself in a position where you are with people of similar interests. It does not matter what those interests are. join a book club, chess club,volunteer as some people have suggested. Anywhere where people of similar interests are and then try to be a little pro active in talking to people and getting to know them. Then the next step is asking people what they are doing on the weekend etc...

Most people in the world are decent. That is the thing that you should realise. Put yourself in positions to meet people and see what happens, because sitting at home writing on Big Footy won't get you meeting people

Good luck

 

[I bleed Blue]

I socialize all day and every day. I open doors for people. I joke with people when I'm standing in que to buy stuff. I talk to old women when I'm shopping for vegetables. I talk to pretty women. This comes smoothly and naturally by simply talking to people all day. And I'm not suspect to the pretty girls because they just heard me talking friendly to some old bitch about spinach and kumquats.

Here's a trick; volunteer to do some volunteer work. Not only are you doing some good, but there are always pretty girls doing volunteer work, and you'll meet them. They'll mistakenly believe that you're a good person too. Pick them up and ruin their perception of humanity.

...and other hobbies.

Hahahah seriously great post.


Barney Stinson would be proud of your views on life .....

 

[alex_is_on_fire]

Its stupid that people think you have to drink to socialize in Australia.

You can still go down the pub and have a coke. No-one cares... and if they quiz you about it, they are dicks anyway.

Summer is always a good time - its pretty easy to organise a simple bbq on a nice weekend and invite a few people over.

This.

Then you have 1 of 3 choices to make

1) You can go to the pub with your mates, get to know them whist they still have some sanity left; say an hour or 2 and drink a soda when they are on the beer.

2) If you get over the dislike of being around drunk people you can volunteer to become the sober designated driver. You will quickly become everyone mate.

or 3) stay at home and watch the TV or post on Big Footy.

I don't drink and head to the pub all the time with my mates. When they get to the point of being stupid drunk buffoons, I leave as watching them act like ****silly people isn't my idea of a good time. So I go home.

I also give the occasional lift home if we head into the city or the casino.

 

[Stocks_go_Up]

When I am on a fitness kick I drink soda water in the clubs, you mad? Who gives a **** what anyone thinks, really. alex_is_on_fire is spot on, when they start acting like total ****silly people leave if you want, or go meet girls if you are single.

 

[JD11]

I socialize all day and every day. I open doors for people. I joke with people when I'm standing in que to buy stuff. I talk to old women when I'm shopping for vegetables. I talk to pretty women. This comes smoothly and naturally by simply talking to people all day. And I'm not suspect to the pretty girls because they just heard me talking friendly to some old bitch about spinach and kumquats.

.

holy shite thats funny.

 

[bunsen burner]

When I am on a fitness kick I drink soda water in the clubs, you mad? Who gives a **** what anyone thinks, really. alex_is_on_fire is spot on, when they start acting like total ****silly people leave if you want, or go meet girls if you are single.

No one cares - this s**t is just in your head. The simple problem is that drinkers don't want to hang around teetotallers. They mostly don't care that they are teetotal, and also don't care that mates go through periods of sobriety.

They just want to hang out with like minded people. If there life evolves around going to the pub with their mates to get pissed or going to friends houses for BBQ and drinks, why would they want to hang around people who don't drink?

 

[Chief Ten Beers]

One thing I've learnt in life - don't give a s**t about what anyone else thinks about you.

It doesn't matter in the end - its just far too short to worry about what other people think. You'll have more fun in life if you follow this piece of advice.

 

[Normy132]

First off, don't give up on your views and beliefs just to conform. It's weak as piss and not cool.

From non-drinker to non-drinker the best piece of advice I can give you is recognise the fact that you don't drink is an advantage and part of your personality. For some reason Australians are fascinated by non-drinkers. They're not used to it. So it's a good conversation piece.

If you're looking for more social opportunities definitely join a sports club and take up EVERY opportunity to go to their social events (not just their awards night but any functions they have during the season). People at the club recognise that you're making the effort and they'll put in the effort to socialise with you.

At least that's what I've found since I changed my perspective four years ago.

 

[Tzatziki_Man]

Hahahah seriously great post.


Barney Stinson would be proud of your views on life .....

Hahaha, That's LEGEND...


Wait for it