Simpson Roasting on an Open Fire - A 2024 Retrospective

[Truckosaurus]

To use up some jokes I had stored relive my board glory days commemorate the departure of Adam Simpson, I've decided to reflect upon his final year at the Eagles in the most appropriate form available: Simpsons jokes.


Preseason


An embarrassing loss to Fremantle (and a waste of a muggy afternoon for yours truly) was followed up by an even more embarrassing loss to Adelaide.

...I may digress from my mission statement...

I was so bored during the Fremantle game that I spent most of it looking for the weirdest people in the crowd (I was surrounded by Dockers fans so it wasn't exactly Where's Wally). In the end it was a tie between the old guy with arm hair so thick it looked like he'd got a transplant from a polar bear and the guy whose belly was proof that the transphobes are wrong and men can get pregnant.

OPENING ROUND

Nothing to see here, courtesy of yet another half-thought-out, rushed decision from the AFL that didn't even get its timing right with the NRL Vegas round. It was probably the happiest Adam Simpson would be for the next 4 months.


ROUND ONE
It was then off to Adelaide for a crushing loss to the home team * checks notes * I'm sorry, that was the preseason. Round 1, was a trip to Adelaide for a crushing loss to the home team. But it was Port this time. Only the inaccuracy that is Port's trademark kept the margin under 10 goals.


Fortunately new CEO Don Pyke had some tips for Simmo.

ROUND TWO
First home game! First home loss (for the home and away season). As a supporter base, we took the performance quite well.


ROUND THREE
Off to Docklands, where last season Adam Simpson famously decided to spite the club by defeating the Western Bulldogs before he was sacked, ensuring we wouldn't get Harley Reid. Over in the real world, both Simpson and Reid turned out for the Eagles as we again faced the Bulldogs. We lost Round 1 by 50 points, Round 2 by 65 points and would lose Round 3 by 76 points.

It was like this, but less funkadelic.

ROUND FOUR
Our third trip to Adelaide for the year produced our third loss, this time to Sydney for reasons (see above re: AFL decision-making). And yet, this was a much improved performance that actually gave us hope for the future (and produced a Harley Reid highlight that would inspire artists across the country to create their most purchasable works.) Plus, that 90s strip was pretty sharp I feel.

We felt so full of... what's the opposite of shame? Pride? No, not that far from shame. Less shame. Yeah.

ROUND FIVE

Stupid Tigers didn't even see us coming.

Pictured: Dustin Martin after getting the Reid fend-off

 

[Truckosaurus]

Round Six
If you felt I undersold/half-arsed the victory over Richmond, it was only because I was so excited to get to what was the highlight of the season so far: destroying the hopes and pissing on the joy of Fremantle supporters.

Pictured: Simmo was gracious in victory on ABC Grandstand the next day.

It was another bravura performance from 69, a.k.a. Yeo/Reid. We switched off a bit in the last quarter so that Fremantle weren't flogged by the worst team in AFL history (it might have been the straw that broke them. Talk about mental health. Build a kinder world.).

All right, Simmo! We get it!

Only blatant trickery saw Paul "Get Your Dicks Out" Hasleby escape Perth Stadium with his life that night.

 

[Truckosaurus]

ROUND SEVEN
With Reid the Riot Act (a.k.a. Reid Lightning, a.k.a. GReid is Good, a.k.a. "Harley sez 'Onya bike, mate'"*) rested, many of us feared the worst playing away against a Gold Coast team with so many midfielders they give other teams first round picks to take them off their hands. What we weren't prepared for, however, were the umpires.

ROUND EIGHT
Back home against the media's Great Victorian Hope Essendon and we saw Reid activate Beast Mode.

Hey news.com.au, it's time for another "OMG SIMPSONS PREDICTED THE FUTURE!!!!1!1!" article.

We lost, but we got to see Zach Merrett sat on his ass so it wasn't all bad.

ROUND NINE

ROUND TEN
Against the team that makes Ben Cousins wish "mental health" was a concern circa 2007 we notched up our third win for the season. And we weren't even halfway through! Everything was coming up Adam! We'd turned a corner and it was all up, up, up from here for the Eagles and Adam Simpson. Right?

ROUND ELEVEN
Unfortunately, Adelaide were less impressed with the new Eagles

Luckily the game ended before the margin reached triple figures, but only just.



















*I expect a full credit when you use this line, Dwayne.

 

[Cuzz09]

I like how you called the freo win the highlight of the season "so far" like there were gonna be more.

Sent from my SM-S908E using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[Truckosaurus]

I'm an optimist.

ROUND TWELVE
It was gouge-your-eyes-out day, or a day when you have to watch your team play against a side coached by Ross Lyon as West Coast hosted St Kilda. 8.6 to 4.2 after halftime told the tale as the Eagles once again only played half a game of football.


Actual photo of the Eagles coaches' box after half-time.

To make matters worse, after getting absolutely no protection from the umpires, Harley Reid got suspended for a sling tackle that didn't injure anyone. It would take exactly one round for an identical tackle to be laid and nothing happen.

I give you the jury of the damned! Michael Christian, Marcus Windhager, Richard Nixon, and Laura Kane!

ROUND THIRTEEN
Apparently playing only half a game of football was asking too much, as the Eagles backed things up against North Melbourne with a single quarter of football. AND STILL COULD HAVE WON! 2.15 at 3/4 time is not a game winning score -

- but the major talking point from the game would be a disgraceful holding the ball call paid against Yeo that allowed North Melbourne to take the lead back.

ROUND FOURTEEN
Bye round! The two sweetest words in the English language!

The most relaxing weekend in fourteen weeks.


ROUND FIFTEEN
My nephew had his birthday party while this game was being played so...

 

[Truckosaurus]

ROUND SIXTEEN
The coach who lead West Coast to premiership glory in 2018 took on Adam Simpson in Round 16 and proved the apprentice had become the master.

Just in case there was any doubt after the 100 point belting last year. It was a tough game for anyone sit through (except for the two Hawthorn fans sitting next to me I guess) and not just because I was wedged between two fat guys who were also manspreading. It was a game without positives.

The club had to get creative post-match and bring Mal Meninga into the review session to try and find one.

ROUND SEVENTEEN
The drums were beating after the poor effort against Hawthorn and all eyes were on Adam Simpson to see how he'd respond against Melbourne.
Would he drop some players...

... bring in a few ringers...



...or just fake his death to get out of coaching?

If you answered "None of these things", you watched us play Melbourne in Round 17.

Adam Simpson's last game as coach of the West Coast Eagles so let's not dwell on it too much and instead think back on the good times. Like beating Collingwood in 2018:

Destroying the brains of Port Adelaide supporters not once...

... but twice

But yes, for all his achievements, Adam Simpson was sack- uh, resigned days after the game.

"Adam, football clubs are happy places. Winning brings happiness. Maybe some clubs are happy losing, I don't know..."
ROUND EIGHTEEN
Which brings us to Adam Simpson's farewell game. He didn't coach it, but he did get to toss the coin, toss back a few cold ones and say goodbye.

The players put in a grand effort against Brisbane to see their coach off. And just in case you were hoping it was because they were happy to finally see the back of him, they reverted to half-assing it the next week.



Thanks for everything Simmo. Thanks for the flag, the finals, and - above all - thanks for the memes.

 

[squashface]

 

[Boohemian]

Has Ryan Griffen considered a career in coaching?

We need to continue our cartoon memes.

 

[Truckosaurus]

Oh my god, I forgot one:



Insert this into whichever round he debuted in.