Media SFAFETY REPORT

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Footypie32

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Sep 5, 2011
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SFAFETY REPORT

Safety-First-640x240.jpg
​



As it is with all Corporations and Organisations, the SFA must undertake regular safety inspections. As the self-appointed Sweet FA Health and Safety Representative (I came to this conclusion after reading a copy of Okey's "Democratic Leadership for Dummies") I have inspected each of the 12 teams and compiled my findings in a report.

All breaches of Health and Safety will be brought to the attention of league Administrator, okeydoke7 and each team's captain. They will then be given a reasonable amount of time to correct each breach or face hefty fines, ranging from $100,000 to giving me a foot rub with assorted lotions. Penalties are non-negotiable.



Coney Island Warriors

What could possibly be dangerous at an amusement park you may ask? Well, for starters, none of the rides had visible height restrictions at the entrance, meaning younger posters like bffl and HaroLad could be put at risk. Allowing these juveniles to ride high octane rides like the Teacup is simply not on.

TeacupsMadTeaParty_wb.jpg


Secondly, I was disgusted to find the "Fairy" floss only contained 36% actual fairy. The rest was made up of the hair of various other fairytale creatures and 2% dental floss. Rules state that to be labelled as "Fairy" floss it must contain at least 89% fairy.

Penalties: For the first breach I direct that a sign indicating no persons shorter than 160cm may ride the Teacup be erected before the start of Season 19 or a fine of $25,000 will be issued.

For the second offence, I declare that no "Fairy" floss shall be sold on Coney Island until the quota of 89% is reached or Frankston Rover be chained to a Leprechaun for the entirety of Season 19.

Roys FFC

On first inspection everything seemed fine until I saw Fred attempting to climb the stairs at the entrance to the club. The absence of an easy-access ramp was obvious. The poor old bugger spilt most of his G&T before he even got through the door.

Next I found that 8 members of the Roys FFC were wearing their trousers too high, in a manner that "prevented adequate blood and air circulation around the testicles". If left unchanged could lead to an outbreak of "Blue-ball" through out the club.

old_man_high_pants.jpg


Penalties: For the first offence I direct an easy access ramp be installed before the start of Season 19 or a fine of $15,000 will be issued.

For the second offence I direct that a seminar be held immediately on "the correct height for the wearing of trousers" or a ban on all trousers shall be imposed for Season 19.


Geelong Wolves

While I did not notice any immediate dangers during my visit to the Wolves club rooms, on inspection of their Safe Operating Procedures (SOPs) I notice there was no SOP for Captaincy take over bids. When I interviewed several Wolves players (who shall remain anonymous) they commented that they were not made aware of the relevant exits during the clubs latest Captaincy coup, meaning many were left stranded inside the club. This lead to confusion and panic. A deadly combination.

Penalties: I direct that the Wolves will update all their relevant SOPs before the start of Season 19 or A Bit High will be removed from office and replace by Inanimate Carbon Rod who will act as a proxy for Deleted.

In_rod_we_trust.jpg
 
Sin City Swamprats

Again, at first everything appeared normal until I inspected the "Swamp". On closer inspection it was deemed not to be a swamp at all, but simply a pond.

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Now according to Section 44, paragraph 2 of "Suitable enclosures for Swamprats" a pond is simply not an adequate habitat for these proud but smelly creatures, who require the pure filth only a true swamp can provide to maintain peak condition.

Penalties: I am wiling to delay any penalty on this issue as I believe that it may simply be an oversight as they have recently moved into a new home. I was also told that Noobz0r was previously in charge of "Swamp hygiene" and his sudden departure has caused some issues. They will only receive a written warning and I will re-examine the club before Season 20.


Baghdad Bandits


I arrived to find the streets covered in mortar craters and my briefcase had been rigged with explosives during my flight. The place appeared to be in perfect order so I moved on. Well done Bandits on keeping everything up to standard.

Baghdad-car-bombing.jpg



Penalties: None.

Dragons FFC

When I first entered the club everything appeared, well, perfect. That was until I went to sit down and my chair simply collapsed underneath me. As I grabbed the table to pull myself back up that collapse too! It seems every piece of furniture in this club is fake. Luckily the only thing hurt was my ego, but it seems that the facade this club puts up simply doesn't hold much weight (94kgs to be exact). According to the " Logger Act of 2009" all SFA club chairs must be able to withstand weights of up to 1 Metric ton. I then went out to the oval and what did I find right in the middle? I bloody ladder! Who puts a ladder in the middle of a Qooty oval?

wylde-chair.jpg



Next I searched the uniform cupboard only to find all the old polyester uniforms had been replaced with spandex ones. Now, I can't really find a Health or Safety issue with these, but I'm still going to issue a fine for poor taste.

Penalties: For the first offence I direct that all furniture at the Dragons FFC clubhouse be replaced with "real" furniture that meets the standards of the "Logger Act of 2009" before the start of Season 19 or face a fine of up to $10,000.

For the crime against fashion I direct that all polyester uniforms be re-issued before the start of Season 19 or The Filth Wizard will be forced to wear a spandex tuxedo to his upcoming wedding.
 

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East Side Hawks

Everything appeared normal to me as outsider when I first entered the club. That was until I witnessed Itsmyshow, Tarkyn_24 and okeydoke7 all try and fit their large heads through the clubs inadequate doorways. All three were left with minor bruising and were stranded outside in the cold for hours.

images



Penalties: The Hawks must amend all doors within the club to be more accommodating to their large headed "overlords" by the start of Season 19 or face a fine of $10,879.53.

Gold City Royals

The Royals have endless amounts of money, servants and throw cushions, so how could anything there possibly be unsafe I hear you say... Well, they obviously didn't count on providing sufficient ventilation for Marlowe and Son of God's long-winded posts. Those hallways are like wind tunnels if the windows are closed and those two are in the middle of a rant. At one point I was nearly blown right off my feet.

The other issue arose from a lack of hearing protection provided to players due to the signing of 3KZ is Football. 3KZ's posts were measured to reach decibel levels of up to 122db! A full 23db above the accepted levels. This could leave players with permanent hearing loss if exposed for an extended period of time. Leaving the club open to numerous lawsuits.

decibel-meter.png


Unfortunately I also discovered another problem during my visit to Gold City that left me scratching my head. All of the ladders within the city were missing the bottom couple of rungs making them almost impossible to climb. This could cause major frustration as well as a hazard.

Penalties: The Royals must make sure proper ventilation fans are installed before the start of the season or they will have their Pokemon cartridges confiscated and replaced with "Pukumun", a cheap Taiwanese rip-off.

For the second issue, they must provide each of their players with earplugs before the season starts or 3KZ is Football will be forced to wear a muzzle for the duration of Season 19.

For the third breach I direct that all faulty ladders be removed from Gold City and replaced with suitable ones before the start of the season.


West Coast Wonders

Banana peels everywhere! I slipped at least 3 times during my inspection. And let me tell you, it's certainly not as hilarious as it looks in the cartoons. This will not go unpunished.

banana-peel.jpg



Next I was disturbed to find that croweater 41 had gained 100lbs in an attempt to exploit a clause that would allow him to play Qooty from home. While at first this may seem like an ingenious plan it is my duty to monitor the health of all SFA players and step in if I feel they are putting themselves at risk. Playing Qooty from the comfort of your own couch is just lazy and not to be encouraged.

king-size-homer17.png



Penalties: For the first offence I order TheFreshBanana perform 100hrs of community service picking up rubbish.

For the second offence Croweater 41 will be placed on a strict exercise regime for a period of 8 weeks. ClarkeM to act as his personal trainer.
 
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Las Vegas Bears

I was pleased to find I was greeted by 4 lovely ladies, all named after precious stones, upon my arrival in Las Vegas. They escorted me to a nearby establishment where I "inspected" the premises for many hours. While the floors were quite sticky, Sapphire assured me that was merely because they had recently re-varnished the floors and it had not had a chance to dry properly. She seemed like an honest girl so I took her at her word and went on my way.

GTA-V-Strippers.jpg



Penalties: An even stickier floor


Fighting Furies

While most things appeared to be in order at the Furies, one thing that bothered me was that none of their SOPs were translated into fumbler-ish, meaning their English-challenged brother is left at a disadvantage. Section 9 of the "Weird languages Act of 1994" specifically states that clubs must make sure no player is at a disadvantage when it comes to maintaining their personal safety.

360_borat_lebanon0109.jpg



Penalties: Wacky Tiger shall be forced to wear a mankini at all times until the above problem is rectified.


Mt Buller Demons

Now, Eth probably won't be happy with me, but I must perform my duties, even at my own club. Firstly, I discovered the Yellow-Snowcone machine filter has not been replaced in nearly 12 years. Who knows what could be in them. I shiver to think.

imag1786.jpg


Finally, I was sickened to find none of the Snowbunnies had been vaccinated against the calicivirus and it is only pure luck that the disease has not spread like wildfire throughout the club.

Penalties: For the first breach I direct Eth to play me in whatever position I want for the entirety of Season 19.

For the second breach I will take it upon myself to perform thorough vaginal inspections on all Snowbunnies to test for calicivirus.


Summary:

In conclusion, I was relatively pleased with the Health and Safety standards within the Sweet FA at this point in time. I implore all Captains to rectify any reported problems within the allocated time frames and to continue to monitor all problems.

Thank you and remember, SAFETY FIRST!!!
 
Last edited:
Footypie32 said:
SFAFETY REPORT

Safety-First-640x240.jpg
​



As it is with all Corporations and Organisations, the SFA must undertake regular safety inspections. As the self-appointed Sweet FA Health and Safety Representative (I came to this conclusion after reading a copy of Okey's "Democratic Leadership for Dummies") I have inspected each of the 12 teams and compiled my findings in a report.

All breaches of Health and Safety will be brought to the attention of league Administrator, okeydoke7 and each team's captain. They will then be given a reasonable amount of time to correct each breach or face hefty fines, ranging from $100,000 to giving me a foot rub with assorted lotions. Penalties are non-negotiable.



Coney Island Warriors

What could possibly be dangerous at an amusement park you may ask? Well, for starters, none of the rides had visible height restrictions at the entrance, meaning younger posters like bffl and HaroLad could be put at risk. Allowing these juveniles to ride high octane rides like the Teacup is simply not on.

TeacupsMadTeaParty_wb.jpg


Secondly, I was disgusted to find the "Fairy" floss only contained 36% actual fairy. The rest was made up of the hair of various other fairytale creatures and 2% dental floss. Rules state that to be labelled as "Fairy" floss it must contain at least 89% fairy.

Penalties: For the first breach I direct that a sign indicating no persons shorter than 160cm may ride the Teacup be erected before the start of Season 19 or a fine of $25,000 will be issued.

For the second offence, I declare that no "Fairy" floss shall be sold on Coney Island until the quota of 89% is reached or Frankston Rover be chained to a Leprechaun for the entirety of Season 19.

Roys FFC

On first inspection everything seemed fine until I saw Fred attempting to climb the stairs at the entrance to the club. The absence of an easy-access ramp was obvious. The poor old bugger spilt most of his G&T before he even got through the door.

Next I found that 8 members of the Roys FFC were wearing their trousers too high, in a manner that "prevented adequate blood and air circulation around the testicles". If left unchanged could lead to an outbreak of "Blue-ball" through out the club.

old_man_high_pants.jpg


Penalties: For the first offence I direct an easy access ramp be installed before the start of Season 19 or a fine of $15,000 will be issued.

For the second offence I direct that a seminar be held immediately on "the correct height for the wearing of trousers" or a ban on all trousers shall be imposed for Season 19.


Geelong Wolves

While I did not notice any immediate dangers during my visit to the Wolves club rooms, on inspection of their Safe Operating Procedures (SOPs) I notice there was no SOP for Captaincy take over bids. When I interviewed several Wolves players (who shall remain anonymous) they commented that they were not made aware of the relevant exits during the clubs latest Captaincy coup, meaning many were left stranded inside the club. This lead to confusion and panic. A deadly combination.

Penalties: I direct that the Wolves will update all their relevant SOPs before the start of Season 19 or A Bit High will be removed from office and replace by Inanimate Carbon Rod who will act as a proxy for Deleted.

In_rod_we_trust.jpg
Click to expand...
No mention of Citroin who is x number of years younger than me.


This thread is biased.
 
Footypie32 said:
Next I searched the uniform cupboard only to find all the old polyester uniforms had been replaced with spandex ones. Now, I can't really find a Health or Safety issue with these, but I'm still going to issue a fine for poor taste.
Click to expand...
You were in the Women's dressing room, FP.

..
 

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