Favourite Basil Fawlty quotes

[Sylvia Saint]

Got the Fawtly Towers box set for Xmas, thucking gold.

Some of my favourite Basil (funniest character ever) quotes:

Sybil: Are you still here Basil?
Basil: No, I went a few minutes ago dear, but I expect I'll be back shortly.

American: Could you make me a Waldorf salad.
Basil: Oh... a... Wa...?
American: Waldorf salad.
Basil: I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

Mr. Carnegie: Lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood...
Basil: About the fat fryer...
Mr. Carnegie: ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked...
Basil: Say no more.
Mr. Carnegie: ...food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance you'll have installed at our last visit six months ago and two dead pigeons in the water tank.
Basil: Otherwise O.K.?

Basil: Is something wrong?
German: Will you please stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.

I could go on, but there are too many too list. Feel free to add your own.

 

[ManWithNoName]

MANUEL!

*He's putting up the picture, the phone rings* Oh for gods...Polly? Polly?...MANUEL? Manuel? *puts the picture down* Oh well I'll do it then, all right, Hello Fawlty Towers? I was just doing it you stupid cow. I put it down to tell you I was already doing it. I mean what is the point of telling me to do something I'm already doing I MEAN WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT?

 

[Karbo]

Mrs. Richards: I asked for a room with a bath.
Basil Fawlty: [indicating] You've got a bath!
Mrs. Richards: I am not paying seven pounds, twenty pence per night, plus VAT, for a room without a bath.
Basil Fawlty: There is your bath!
Mrs. Richards: [looking at it] You call that a bath? That's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful.
Basil Fawlty: I wish you were a mouse.
Mrs. Richards: What? And another thing. I asked for a room with a view.
Basil Fawlty: [going to window, indicating] That is Torquay, ma'am.
Mrs. Richards: That is not good enough.
Basil Fawlty: Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeasts swinging majestically...
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil Fawlty: You can see the sea. It's over there, between the land and the sky.
Mrs. Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that!
Basil Fawlty: Well, may I suggest that you move to a hotel closer to the sea...
[sotto]
Basil Fawlty: or preferably in it?
Mrs. Richards: Now, listen to me. I am not satisfied, but I have decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction.
Basil Fawlty: Why? Because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Mrs. Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
Basil Fawlty: No, the radio works.
[crossing over to it]
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: See if I can't fix it, you scabby old bat!
[he turns it on; it works fine - Manuel plugs his ears]
Basil Fawlty: I think we got something, there!
Mrs. Richards: [fiddling with hearing aid] What?
Basil Fawlty: Don't think me rude, but do you by chance have a hearing aid?
Mrs. Richards: Yes, I do have a hearing aid!
Basil Fawlty: Would you like me to get it mended?

 

[year of the roo]

Basil: Shut up!
Sybil: Oh, you've done it now.
Basil: No, I haven't, I'm just going to. I'm fed up with you, you rancorous, coiffeured old sow! Why don't you syringe the donuts out of your ear and get some sense into the dormant organ you keep hidden in that rat's maze of yours?

Brilliant.

 

[year of the roo]

Mr. Hutchinson: Now, listen: There is a documentary on BBC Two this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now, this starts at 8:45 and goes on for approximately three quarters of an hour.
Basil: I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
Mr. Hutchinson: Indeed I am, yes. Now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC Two channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
Basil: Why don't you talk properly?


Basil: Ah, is there something we can get you, Mr. Hutchinson? A tea cozy for your pepperpot, perhaps?

Basil: How's Audrey?
Sybil: She's in a terrible state.
Basil: Ah, good, good.

Miss Gatsby: You're very cheerful this morning, Mr. Fawlty.
Basil: Yes, well, one of the guests has just died.

 

[Sylvia Saint]

Bernard Cribbins is absolutely brilliant as Hutchison.

Another beauty from that episode:

Basil: I'm afraid most of the people we get in here don't know a Bordeaux from a claret.
Walt: A Bordeaux IS a claret.
Basil: Oh, a Bordeaux is a claret, but they wouldn't know that. You obviously drink a lot... wine, I mean. Well, not a lot, a fair amount, the right amount for a connoisseur, I mean that doesn't mean you're... does it, I mean some people drink it by the crate but that's not being a connoisseur, that's just plain sloshed.

 

[Bombers_Forever]

Basil: Is something wrong?
German: Will you please stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.

Best of all time............

And "Don't mention the war - I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it!"

 

[Magnum]

All those are gold. Classic show.

Some favourites are-

To mrs richards: "Is this a piece of your brain!?"

To mr o'reilly: "(If the good lord)... is mentioned 1 more time I shall move you closer to him, now please!"

To the germans: "Don't worry, we have meat in the building!"

To mrs richards: "You can see the sea, it's over there between the LAND and the SKY!"

 

[Delroy]

While not a quote I love it when he belts his car bonnet with a tree branch.

 

[SBI]

One of my favourites is in the hospital when Basil has a concussion.

Basil (to Nurse): My god you're ugly...
Nurse: I'll just go and get the doctor...
Basil: Its a plastic surgeon you need, dear, not a doctor!

 

[jacqui9]

Sybil Fawlty: You're looking very happy Basil.
Basil Fawlty: Happy? Ah yes, I remember that.

[Basil answers the phone which interrupts him hanging a moose head decoration]
Basil Fawlty: [Answers the phone call from his wife] Yes. Fawlty Towers, hello?
[pause]
Basil Fawlty: I was just doing it, you stupid woman. I just put it down, to come here and be reminded by you to do what I'm already doin'. What is the point in reminding me to do what I'm already doing? What is the bloody point? I'm doing it aren't I?
[pause]
Basil Fawlty: Yes, yes, I picked it up... Yes... No, no, I haven't had a chance yet... Yes, I will... Yes... No, I haven't yet, but I will... Yes, yes, yes, I know it is... Yes, I'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left?

Basil Fawlty: Hello?... Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.

Sybil Fawlty: Don't shout at me, I've had a difficult morning.
Basil Fawlty: Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

Basil Fawlty: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.

 

[ManWithNoName]

"Free to good home, enormous savage rodent...answers to the name of Sybil"

 

[POBT]

Basil Fawlty: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.

My favourite

 

[Emerald]

Basil Fawlty: Yes, yes, I picked it up... Yes... No, no, I haven't had a chance yet... Yes, I will... Yes... No, I haven't yet, but I will... Yes, yes, yes, I know it is... Yes, I'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left?

That one's a classic.

 

[lincsPJ]

To mrs richards: "Is this a piece of your brain!?"

one of the greats. thing is, cleese was going to omit that line. andrew sachs told him to keep it in. brilliant stuff.

 

[year of the roo]

One of my favourites is in the hospital when Basil has a concussion.

Basil (to Nurse): My god you're ugly...
Nurse: I'll just go and get the doctor...
Basil: Its a plastic surgeon you need, dear, not a doctor!

That whole scene in the hospital is sensational. The confrontation with the Germans back at the hotel is the famous part of that episode, but some of Cleese's lines in the hospital are even better. That is Fawlty at his best.

 

[Jabso]

This isn't accurate but:

Basil: there is a pigeon in the tank on the roof
Manuel: hahahaha how it get up there...
Basil: i dont know i suppose it flew..
Manuel: it flew...hahhaha oink oink oink


Basil: ohhhh you're German, I thought there was something wrong with you

Manuel: Ohh, he hit me on the head.
Major Gowen: No! You hit him on the head. You naughty moose.

Again this one is inaccurate but goes smoething like:
Major: She's a feisty one your wife
Basil: I wouldn't say so major
Major: no...no...nor would I

 

[Mr P@H]

Not what Basil said but in Comm. problems when he's trying to tell Polly the name of the horse...

"Fishwife"

"Flying Tart.... not it got off to a Flying start"

And of course it finishes with

Sybil:If i find out that money was yours you know what i'll do don't you?
Basil:You'll have to sew them back on first...

 

[SBI]

That whole scene in the hospital is sensational. The confrontation with the Germans back at the hotel is the famous part of that episode, but some of Cleese's lines in the hospital are even better. That is Fawlty at his best.

There's the bit you can't quote when Basil walks out of Sybil's room and sees the doctor and the look he gives is priceless.

And then.

Basil: Ah, so it will be quite painful...
Doctor: Yes, Mr Fawlty.
Basil: Right.

Then he claps his hands with a big smile.

 

[SBI]

Another favourite was.

Major: I took her to see...INDIA!
Basil: India, Major?
Major: At the Oval!

And then the line about the West Indians are n*ggers, the Indians are wogs!

 

[year of the roo]

Another favourite was.

Major: I took her to see...INDIA!
Basil: India, Major?
Major: At the Oval!

And then the line about the West Indians are n*ggers, the Indians are wogs!

...she still has my wallet.

 

[Falchoon]

This one is delivered with perfection

Mr. Hamilton: What I'm suggesting that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen [angrily]: NO! No I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.


and the other one with Major, paraphrasing

Major - I don't know why we bother Fawlty
Fawlty - I didn't realise you did Major