English Cricket Jokes

[kolchak]

I am currently engaged in a email test series with some collegues in England. If anyone can help me out with some good but clean one liners it would be appreciated.

Especially good if it has a bearing on current games.

I'm thinking ATM how Collingwood got 200 and Goddard has 8 wickets so far, and saying it means absolutely nothing (when they lose of course ).

 

[Mitchell Madness]

what is the difference between an english cricketer and a chinese chef?

one cuts up chinese the other one chinese cuts


dont ask ok? i heard it off my mates 5yo bro

 

[Philhawk]

What do English parents call their children to save time?

B McGrath

C Gilchrist

 

[kimbopen]

Grow your own dope - plant a Pom!

Q: How do you tell a planeload of English tourists have just landed?
A: You can still hear the whine after the engines stop.

 

[KingRich]

I have just seen a few in an email:

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason


Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.


Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.


Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An all-rounder.


Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.


Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.


Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.

 

[kimbopen]

A member of the English cricket team was driving down the road, when a policeman pulled him over.

Policeman: I have reason to blieve that you have been drinking tonight, please could you take a breathalzer test.

Cricketer: Sorry I have this problem that means that I can't

Policeman: Ok then you will have to come with me to the police station to have a blood sample taken.

Cricketer: Sorry again but I have a medical condition that means I can't have that either

Policeman: Ok, Well surely you can't object to having a urine sample?

Cricketer: Hey mate just because I play for England there is no need to take the **** out of me!

 

[kimbopen]

Two villages in Yorkshire are preparing for a Sunday match. In the dressing room Smith , the captain , says "Where Fred?"

"Fred's working down pit skip , he can't play." said Tom
"Bugger! We're one short , anyone else here to play?" said the skipper.
No-one spoke and then this horse popped it's head around the door and said ,"I can play!"

The skipper laughed and said,"Horses can't play cricket!"
"I can", responded the hoss ,"and I'll open t'batting too!"
There being no-one else , they put pads on the horses front legs and a bat in his teeth. The skipper tried to take strike becuase the opening bowler was seriously quick , but the horse wouldn't have it.

The bowler charged in and the horse sprang forward and smashed the 1st ball for 6 over long on.

"Great shot hoss , brilliant!" said the skip.

"I told thee I could bat!" shouted the hoss.

The next 4 balls all went for 6 , all around the ground and the crowd were going mad!! The bowler was really fed up and as he reached the crease to bowl his last ball , he rolled his fingers over it and sent down a devious slower ball. The hoss was going to drive yet again when he realised it was the slower ball. Changing strokes , he carefully pushed the ball into the offside. After all the massive hitting the fielders were all on the fence and there was no-one close to retrieve the ball.

"Yes!!" screamed the skip , charging off for the single. The hoss remained rooted to the crease , a fielder threw to the bowler's end and the skip was run out by a mile.

'Why didn't thee run?" said the skip to the hoss.

"If I could run , I'd be in the Epsom Derby!" said the hoss.

 

[kimbopen]

Nations



Australia

A small but highly established colony. Which quickly overtook the UK in all known facts of society, culture and sporting prowess... not to mention getting --.

Undisputably the strongest team since the existance of balls or any ball playing sport. Recorded by world famous historian Richie Benaud, whose rotting corpse now hangs in the Louve on loan from David Boon.

Australia's only low moment came in 1387 (at 5:53pm) when Trevor Chappell, under orders from his captain and brother Greg, bowled underarm on the last ball to prevent New Zealand from scoring the runs that could have drawn the match.(New Zealand needed a six).

They are the worst losers in history, possibly due to complete lack of experience at losing. Will drink beer after every defeat and every win for that matter.

Bangladesh
New whipping boys of test cricket, taking over the mantle from England. Once evey forty four tests under the laws of cricket the Bangladeshis are allowed to score a run but only against the Australians who will blame the conceding of this run on their players burning to death. These claims were rebuked by Geoffrey "Boycs" Boycott who said "It weren't that bloody 'ot. You can't burn in 145 degrees centigrade. Me gran could bat all week in this, scoring a double ton wit a golf club"

England
The originators of the whinging. A miserable, noisy (barmy Army)lot who live of the coast of main Europe from where the dirtiest most stupid people are that invented the game and never actually learnt to play. POMS Pretty Obvious they are Mentally *******ated

India
The sports-forsaken land of billion schmucks can play only one game in the world. They are the driving force due to which the sports is still played and Australians get ad employment. The Indian batsmen are revered as gods by the ordinary Indian public, who worship the ground that Tendulkar et al. walks on.

Sri Lanka
The only team in Test cricket which enters each game with just one player. They invariably lose, although tend to outclass every member of the England squad whenever they play them.

 

[kimbopen]

A distraught woman rushed into a Police Station claiming she had been r*ped.

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details. She
told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he
was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he
had on a helmet and gloves.

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer" observed the policeman.

"Oh yes he was" replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman".

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent " said the Sergeant.

"No" the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in very long."

 

[kimbopen]

The cricket enthusiast would travel any distance to watch a match-nothing could keep him from the game he loved. One day, a friend met him and said, 'You're looking a bit down.'
'The wife said she's s going to divorce me.'

'What grounds?'

'Oh, Headingly, Edgbaston, Lord s . . .

 

[kimbopen]

Yorkshiremen are known for their devotion to cricket. In fact, one day, an avid Yorkshire fan was asked, 'If your wife and Geoff Boycott were in a house that was falling over a cliff, who would you save?' 'Are you kidding?' was the reply. 'My wife's a lousy bat.

 

[kimbopen]

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

 

[RustyHawk]

Whoa Kimbo - on fire. Well done