Best Irish Jokes

[Harvs35]

Put your best Irish jokes here.

Irish inventions:
fly-wire on a submarine
air conditioner on a motorbike




Harvs 35

 

[jeka]

What do you call two Irish gays?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam


not a good irish joke but its the only one I know

 

[Fishfinger]

Australian, Englishman & Irishman had to bring one item to help them on a desert trek.
The Aussie took an esky of VB for when he was thirsty.
The Pommie took a floral umbrella to keep the sun off his fat head.
Paddy took a car door so when he got hot he could wind down the window.

 

[Arks]

Why did the Irish man climb the glass window? To see what was on the other side.

Why did the Irish man put a ruler beside hes bed? To see how long he slept.

Irish invention helicopter with an ejection seat.

Irish invention a wheel chair with pedals.

 

[Rod Stroker]

More Inventions :
Inflatable Dart Board
Water Proof Teabag
Fireproof Match

 

[raskolnikov]

Why is semen white and urine yellow?

So an Irishman knows whether he's coming or going.

 

[Freo Gael]

that's right "stupid Irish"

such as Seamas Heaney, JM Synge, Mary Robinson, James Joyce, ... ah feck it need I go on.

Why are the Irish so stupid? So the rest of you can understand us!

Time to cut yourselves loose from Mother England's apron strings and think for yourselves. Always a subordinate of the Poms!!

 

[CharlieG]

How do you confuse an Irishman?

Take him into a room full of shovels and ask him to take his pick.

 

[Aquamarinejewel]

After a heavy night's drinking, two Irishmen stagger home from their country pub, intending to take a short cut through the graveyard.

Being much the worse for wear, they decide to take a rest against a stone, where Paddy reads the inscription.

"Do y'know, Michael, this fella here lived till he was 103!!" "And did he come from hereabouts then?" asks Michael. "No," says Paddy, reading the stone, "he was Miles, from Dublin"

 

[pav_is_god]

Why couldn't the Irishman go waterskiing?
He couldn't find any water on a slope.

 

[Fishfinger]

How did the Irish tap dancer break his leg?
He fell in the sink.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a round room and tell him to p*ss in the corner.

The IRA terrorist decided not to blow up cars anymore cos he kept burning his lips on the exhaust pipe.

 

[Thunderer]

Originally posted by Arks


Irish invention helicopter with an ejection seat.

It seems that they sold this wonderful technology to the Russians.

http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/ac/row/ka-50.htm

Take especially notice of the following caption about the KA-50:

The helicopter has a number of unique characteristics including single seat to increase combat and flight characteristics and reduce operational costs. It was designed for remote operations, and not to need ground maintenance facilities for 2 weeks. The airframe is 35% composite materials with a structural central 1m 2 keel beam of kevlar/ nomex that protects critical systems and ammunition. The fully armored pilot's cabin can withstand 23-mm gunfire, and the cockpit glass 12.7-mm MG gunfire. The Zvezda K-37-800 pilot ejection system functions at any altitude, and enables a successful ejection at low altitude and maximum speed.

 

[Stegelator]

how do you confuse an irishman?
put PTO on both sides of paper

 

[Stegelator]

Originally posted by Rod Stroker
More Inventions :
Inflatable Dart Board
Water Proof Teabag
Fireproof Match

Windscreen wipers on a submarine, solar powered torch.

 

[pav_is_god]

How do you confuse an Irishman?

Take him into a room full of shovels and ask him to take his pick.

 

[taff wa]

An Australian, Englishman and Irishman were all in front of fire squad.

They shooters were all lined up, the Aussie shouted earthquake, they shooters ran and he escaped. The Englishmen shouted tornado again they ran and he escaped, it was the Irishman's turn and he thought if the other 2 could escape so could he, the shooters lined with their guns, ready aim and then the Irishman shouts











FIRE.

 

[Stegelator]

Originally posted by pav_is_god
How do you confuse an Irishman?

Take him into a room full of shovels and ask him to take his pick.

how about reading the thread before posting

 

[Bee]

Aw you guys, only the Irish can tell good Irish jokes.

There were three contestants in a quiz show. An Irishman, an American and an Australian. It came down to the last question to decide the winner.
The question was : "Old Macdonald had a ........?"
The first to answer was the American he answered "Old Macdonald had a ranch". No wrong answer.

The next to answer was the Australian, he answered "Old Macdonald had a sheep station". No wrong answer.

It was the Irishman's turn to answer... "Old Macdonald had a farm". YES!! Now for $100, 000, spell it.

The Irishman answered E I E I O!

 

[BordnaMonaman]

Don't believe everything your colonial overlords tell you ;-)

 

[JF_Bay_22_SCG]

There were these three blokes chatting over a beer in a pub-a Frenchmen, an Italian, and an Irishmen. They were all boasting about how their race were the most erotic and sexually pleasing to their girlfriends.

The Frenchman said, "When I teekle 'er feet, she will be in so much hexileration that she will be floating 50 cm aboove zer bed."

The Italiano then quipped, When I starta to licka my bambina's toes-a, she will a metre in the air'

The Irishmen bluntly quipped.
"When I wipes me knob on t'e curtains, me wife hits t'e ferking roooof in an instant"

JF

 

[theheganboy]

an Irishman, an englishman and an Aussie walk into a bar.

The barman takes one look at them and says "Is this some sort of Joke?"

 

[greg62]

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar.
One says to the other "So where you from then?
"Dublin"
"Me too!" "What school did you go to?"
"West Dublin"
"Me too!" "Who was your teacher?"
"Mrs O'Rourke"
"Mine too!" This is bloody incredible he said as they start dancing and slapping each other on the back.

Meanwhile a lad at the bar goes up to the barman and says,
"so what's up with those two then?"

"Oh don't worry about them, they're just the McMalley twins p*ssed again."

 

[Bombers 2003]

Re: that's right "stupid Irish"

Originally posted by Freo Gael
such as Seamas Heaney, JM Synge, Mary Robinson, James Joyce, ... ah feck it need I go on.

Why are the Irish so stupid? So the rest of you can understand us!

Time to cut yourselves loose from Mother England's apron strings and think for yourselves. Always a subordinate of the Poms!!

And what about William Yates Butler,Padraig H Pearse,James Connoly and Cathal Brugha?.

 

[crudbucket]

Re: that's right "stupid Irish"

Originally posted by Freo Gael
such as Seamas Heaney, JM Synge, Mary Robinson, James Joyce, ... ah feck it need I go on.

Why are the Irish so stupid? So the rest of you can understand us!

Time to cut yourselves loose from Mother England's apron strings and think for yourselves. Always a subordinate of the Poms!!

Wanted to buy - One sense of humour, please send replies c/- Dublin P.O.

 

[Matt_TY]

How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?

Wave.